As a mom with a child who may not be considered ‘typical’ according to all of the developmental charts, I can completely relate to the anxiety one initially feels when you sense something may be ‘wrong’. It is easy to get caught up in information overload. I got so many “shoulds’ from others. There is an ocean of information you can surf through on the internet. After my initial fear reaction, I realized I needed to take a deep breath, it was going to be OK. Once I started to come from a place of compassion and trust instead of fear, the people who were giving me all those ‘shoulds’ gradually just disappeared.
I remember when my daughter Ella first started showing some ‘red flags”, when she was 15 months old she lost the 10 plus words she had. She began having meltdowns, had extreme reactions to certain sounds, had extreme social anxiety, and had problems transitioning from routine. Ella loved the show Signing Time (we saw it on Public TV). We began watching the show daily learning signs together. At first Ella only knew 2 or 3 signs, but months passed and she was able to pick up 10 plus signs. I noticed she was using signs just to show us she knew them- not in conversation (she would sign Table for example, not referring to a Table but to show us she knew the sign- she knew the sign for water and food but instead of using them she would scream or push when she wanted something) An ‘expert’ told me not to bother with sign language because she was not using it pragmatically. That I should go with a picture communication exchange system or a communication device (small hand-held computer system). This did not resonate with me, I could not see carrying a book or computer around wherever we went, we are a very active family and I have a baby son- what if these devices were lost? Plus Ella LOVED the signing, my heart told me there had to be a way. I explored other ways to teach Ella how to use the signs to communicate- I ran across a method called ‘manding’ (teaching how to use signs for commands) after several weeks of practice (and some resistance from Ella at first) the method worked! I went with my intution and it has paid off! Ella’s confidence continues to grow as she practices a form of communication she loves, she can communicate with us any time and at any place. I am not discounting the use of PECS or computer systems- they are excellent for some children- just not ideal for our situation.
Following your authentic path as a family can be difficult- that is why it is so important to take care of yourself as a mom! If you are feeding your own body, mind, and spirit you will be available to make the right decisions for your family and your unique situation. By focusing on self care when needed, you will not only be able to be there for your kids because you will have optimum health and state of mind, but you will be an excellent role model for them in the future. When you are centered you can be more confident that the decistions you are making are the right ones for your situation at that time.
The sign language debate was not the only choice we made as a family that people disagreed with and I am sure it won’t be the last… But at least I can feel confident that we are going with what is best for OUR authentic family and learning along the way!
There is an excellent post over at Close to the root blog about ‘parenting out of the box’- a perfect example of following your authentic path, enjoy!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Angie,
Good for you listening to your heart. As much as there is information “out there” and what is believed to be “right”, I whole-heartedly believe that no one solution is best for every situation. And as the mother to your daughter, there is probably no other person who knows her as well as you do. Keep on listening to your heart…
I can relate, but for different reasons. For me it’s more life in general. I’ve always been a healer of sorts– a shoulder to lean on, the ride to the store when a friend is desperate, helping someone move when nobody else will. This past year, after my fiance’ died, his daughters who were 20 and 23 needed a LOT of guidance to be on their own. I had to teach them how to balance a check book and pay bills.
When the 20 yr old told us all she was addicted to drugs and alcohol via a MySpace message, we were devastated. She was refusing to get help, however-telling us she could do it on her own. As much as it hurt me, I had to choose to leave her life until she realized she needed to help herself, and made that very clear to her. My own family told me to leave it to her OWN mother to handle, and to not get myself involved, to walk away for good. Her mother and her don’t have the best of relationships, and to some extent that is part of where her years of abusing herself had come from. I could NOT turn my back on her. When she came to me and told me she was starting the process to detoxify, in a treatment facility, I was ecstatic and threw my full support behind her. I missed time from work, many hours of sleep, and probably am missing a few locks of hair from the frustration– but I stood by her, supported her, and will continue to do so. She is drug and alcohol free now– has been for quite some time. She has had a slip up, but she didn’t let it bring her down and jumped right back on the wagon the next day. I am extremely proud of her. She’s finally growing up.
As a parent- even a step parent– we have to go with our gut and do what we need to to better ourselves and our children!
Thank you Lance for the wonderful compliments!
Angela- thank you so much for sharing your story! What a wonderful example of you doing what you knew was right for your situation! Now your step daughter has learned and grown from your healthy support, what an inspiration! You are a great mentor!