The other day I was sitting in the coffee shop getting ready to do some computer work. I had just started typing when a well dressed man came up to the counter and began talking to the barista. I couldn’t help but overhear “ya, my girlfriend loves to watch those stupid shows like Jerry Springer, when I asked her why she said that it was because she loves to watch these f^%&ed up people because it makes her feel good about herself”.
At first I was annoyed, then I had an epiphany. There are actually people who like to see others not succeed – the lower others are, the better they feel. OK it is not like this was new news to me, I always knew there were people like this out there. The epiphany was I had heard this somewhere before, it was from a friend that I had not talked to since my daughter was born. Although I knew this friend had insecurities, I never thought she would take these out on me. I found out the hard way that no matter how much you want to help someone, they cannot give away what they don’t have.
You see, once I became pregnant with daughter, I decided there was no room for toxic relationships in my life. I decided I was no longer going to waste my time with it. It was not like I made some big announcement to the world, I just began to change. Sure I had a few setbacks, and boy, the people in my life at the time who were not used to this change in me tried to make a ruckus. This particular friend that I mentioned earlier caused nothing but drama and stress in my life when the most exciting, miraculous, amazing thing was happening. I was having a successful pregnancy following recurring miscarriages. I had never been more happy in my life. I was hurt, frustrated and confused as to why she would try to cause so many problems in my life knowing full well all I had been through. She went so far as to get several other people involved and I ended up uninviting the people involved to my baby shower. I was always there for her, I trusted her, why was she doing this?
I had the realization that when you begin to change and start respecting yourself, the people who were able to manipulate you in the past begin to notice the shift immediately and take evasive action. They test your boundaries, try to put you down, and manipulate so they can try to get a foot hold again. I will admit that this was a very stressful time, these were people that were fully interwoven into my life at the time- for whatever reason I felt combination of obligation, blame, and even victimized for a while. Prior to my pregnancy I did not have the knowledge at the time to realize that by going along with the drama I was betraying my own values, it took the love for my daughter to make me come to the this realization. I did not feel deserving enough until the moment I became pregnant, I had came so far to get to this place after just experiencing 2 miscarriages. My daughter’s life was in my hands- yes it took that for me to realize.
” Never be upset when you find yourself in the valleys of life for in there lies all the nutrients for growth.” Barbara Johnson
The separation from these toxic relationships and the rearranging and restructuring of a few others was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I always prided myself in being honest and not betraying others but after I made this new commitment to myself and my daughter, I realized that I had been betraying myself for a long time. I would never dream of doing this to someone else, yet it was OK for me to treat myself this way. Was I holding true to my values? Was I even sure what my values were?
After this began the process of being true to myself, and realizing I am the best judge of what is right for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I made a commitment that I would establish a code of honor for myself and stick to it. I would continue to learn and grow.
Here are just a few things you can get do to get started if you feel you like your boundaries have been crossed, you’re not trusting yourself, you are not respecting yourself, or you have toxic relationships in your life.
1. Make a commitment to be true to yourself and your values. This may include writing out a mission statement for yourself, place it somewhere where you can see it daily. Write affirmations to change those beliefs that have been placed on you that no longer serve you. You may even celebrate your new commitment with a ceremony or celebration.
2. Know yourself make time to stop, quiet yourself, and go withing daily. Accept yourself, appreciate your gifts, be compassionate not critical of your shortcomings, pay close attention to what you say and do, and get feedback from someone you can trust.
3. Know your values YOU define those!
4. Tell the truth- even if its uncomfortable or even painful.
5. Be willing to change and grow - deal with what you need to, let go and move forward.
6. Forgive yourself and others – be compassionate, don’t blame yourself or others.
7. Be bold, courageous and express your unique self!- celebrate your wild creativity!
More resources…
Click here for A Year of Guided Meditations
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow! I really, really, REALLY needed this post today. It is absolutely perfect for me and your advice is so on point. Thank you!!
Positively Present: You’re welcome, I am so glad this benefited you today! I love reading your posts as well:)
Angie– GREAT that you realized the need for this! It took me many years to understand this concept– and sometimes I’m not so sure I have it right. I, too, finally have realized that relationships that add stress to my life, not take away from it, are not healthy for me– or really for the other person.
Many times the other person counts so much on you to deal with their life for them, to lift them up, they don’t even realize what they are doing! By stepping away, leaving them at the edge of your life, or not even in it at all– they may just have to step up and (as I told someone recently) Put on their Big Girl Panties- and do it themself!
Thanks for this post– it has reaffirmed that I am doing the right thing with one of those very relationships in my life right now!
Awesome Angela! I am so glad that you are on the right track!
That is a the key isn’t it- you are not helping them or yourself! thanks for the wonderful feedback!
Excellent points. When you are true to yourself you feel better – because there is no internal conflict or wondering what to do next. You just do what is right. And doing what is right .. in the long run feels good… and builds self esteem.
Happy’s last blog post..Something is Coming!
Thanks so much for stopping by Happy! Yes, be true to yourself! Sometimes it is the long run that we have a hard time seeing:)
Thank you for this post…I stumbled across it at the PERFECT time! Your words: “I always prided myself in being honest and not betraying others … I realized that I had been betraying myself for a long time. I would never dream of doing this to someone else, yet it was OK for me to treat myself this way,” really resonate with me. I have always been confused by some of the ‘catty’ behaviors I have run into over the years. I am often hurt by people I assume care about me as much as I care about them…but I love how open, generous, and trusting I am and don’t plan on closing myself up in order to protect my feelings from these people…I can simply move them out of my circle and continue being the person I love to be and enjoy the company of those who DO recognize those qualities in me. Thanks for sharing your experience…I think many women find themselves similarly challenged as they commit to being their authentic selves and leaving behind those who are not ready for that yet.
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment Justine. I am so humbled and grateful that this post has helped you on your journey toward wholeness and authenticity. Welcome! And I hope that we can continue to share with each other and help each other during both challenging and fun times:)