Sometimes I laugh when I stop and take the time to really have a look around my house. When did I vacuum last? Really, my house is not that bad (it’s livable), but I will tell you this, I will ‘let it go’ as my Grandmother would say, before I would quit writing or quit playing on the ground, in the dirt, face to face with my kids.
I’ll throw the laundry into the closet unfolded, hide the unopened bills in a drawer that is so full it can’t even be opened, use a push broom to push all the toys into a corner in the playroom, have books laying on every surface when really they should be neatly placed on a bookshelf.
Because what really matters, is that my kids were cherished, that I nurtured my passion and creativity, that I stopped and took the time to have that conversation with a cherished friend. No one is going to remember or care what the house looked like 20 years from now. In 20 years, my children will be blossoming into adulthood, and I hope they will have learned more than housecleaning.
My Grandmother loved to write (and did I mention she gave birth to, and raised 10 amazing children, 9 of them girls?), one of the most cherished gifts I have ever received are the hand made books she used to craft for me. Before scrap booking, the internet, or photo-shop, she would carefully pick magazine photos and cut and paste them to hard paper~ creating wonderful stories and poems all about me, her hopes for me, and beautiful things she knew I liked; butterflies, birds and flowers.
I loved reading my Grandmother’s writings, one stands out in particular, here in an excerpt from one of her poems titled Memories;
“But o, how it would have eased the burden she bare along life’s way,
if I’d told mother how much I love her while it was still today.” ~ 1985
The poem sparked a conversation that led me to find out about one of my families biggest ‘scandals’. My mother explained to me that Grandma had indeed not spoken to her mother for years after, and had always regretted it. I may not have know that if it were not for my Grandma’s writings.
I love that someday my kids will be able to look back at my journals (both online and off), get a glimpse of how I was living at the time, what my passions and learning experiences were, and see how I interacted with the world. And hopefully, like Grandma’s writings they will spark many spirited conversations around the table.
” Tell us the details… pay tribute to all the everyday and extraordinary things” ~Natalie Goldberg
I have kept many journals over the years. Unfortunately, I threw all the early ones away. I was worried about being judged if anyone ever found them, and also, there was a lot of painful things in there that had not been addressed, and I wanted it all to be forgotten.
I would give anything to be able to read those journals from my turbulent teen years. Could you imagine the insight I could have gleaned from all of that teenage angst? It is one thing to be able to look back and remember the past (we change the stories over time) but to be able to read my feelings, raw, in the moment- I wish I would have kept them. I would love to go back to that girl in the tight Levi’s jeans, give her a big hug, and tell her not to worry, tell her her butt is perfect and stop worrying about it (that in a few years J low would make her ‘bubble butt’ popular), and reassure her that she was amazing and for God’s sake don’t worry what others think. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to look back on those journals when Ella is a teen, just in case I need to be reminded?
Just when I want to give up writing- shut down the computer, run into the woods and never log on again, I am remided again of all the blessings of sharing, writing it all down.
“Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that’s why we decide we’re done. It’s getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out.” ~ Natalie Goldberg
Yep folks, I going to keep it up! Get used to me, I’ll be here a while.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Once again, you hit on a definite sore spot of mine!
I would love to have a neat and tidy house– but with all the activities and the errands the house just gets so out of hand. I am ashamed to admit that there are dishes (cups and glasses mostly) that haven’t been done in a couple days, clutter everywhere, and MUCH laundry that has yet to be put away. I always feel so guilty when I don’t get to it all– like I’m supposed to be some super woman that can work 20 hours a day, live on 4 hours of sleep- and get up to do it all again AND with a smile!
Skyler (14) is on a school trip until tonight– so I’ve had some real bonding time with Bailey (12) alone. She is my “clingy” one, and has felt so left out because her sister is doing so much and she kind of gets left in the wake. Last night– instead of doing the dishes, vacuuming the floor, or putting laundry away– Bailey and I had a “spa” night. She wanted to color her hair, so we did. We soaked our feet, we gave ourselves facials, we ate hotdogs and french fries, and we watched a movie. When all was said and done, she climbed under MY covers and snuggled in for a good night’s sleep next to me. She’s 12, and I hope that when she is grown and on her own, these times will be what she remebers– not that mom left the dishes and laundry undone.
That is so amazing that you have such an inspiring grandmother! I’m glad to hear that you’re going to keep writing. Don’t give up because I love reading your posts!
Angela, it is so funny, sometimes housework can be sort of meditative for me. I enjoy cleaning on my own terms. I don’t like being on a cleaning schedule though. I don’t like how my mind feels when there is clutter- that’s why I will eventually get to it, or just head outdoors. It does seem to be OK as long as it is out of site- eventually when the drawers and closets are full, I make a day to ‘spring clean’. Before the kids were born I would actually clean for a few hours and enjoy it. Now it just seems silly. I always put other things before deep cleaning, and I think this is a good thing. I was a food server for years, so I do have some ‘clean as you go’ habits that help a bit. My Son’s birthday is coming up, I am thinking we may just go to a park so I don’t have to deal with the house cleaning (terrible I know!)
Lovely story about your daughter, these are the times we cherish! You are a wonderful mama!
Positively present- thank you so much for the wonderful compliment! I am so glad you enjoy reading!
My Grandmother was an amazing woman:)
That’s a great article! Let me know if you want any memories of your teenage angst! The stuff I remember may be the stuff you want to forget….I miss Granny and have notes and poems she wrote me as well. We lived in the same town and if I didn’t visit enough, she would write to me and let me know how she was – almost like I lived somewhere far away! I have morphed into my mother – I clean when company is coming. I have the house in the neighborhood where the kids want to play. It helps having great neighbors!
Hi Cathy!
Yes, Grandma always sent letters, mine would arrive in the mailbox it seemed just as I needed some encouragement! She always made us feel good no matter what didn’t she!
That is what I love about you Cathy! Your house is the one that everyone can just stop by and say ‘Hi’ anytime! I still have a key I believe:) I think a trip over the mountain to Prineville is due soon:)
I too love your posts, and your blog. I also love Natalie goldberg. She rocks!
Molly’s last blog post..Simple Question
Thanks so much Molly, I appreciate you reading so much!
I agree about Natalie!!!
Hi Angie,
This reminds me of when I started writing a little over a year ago. And I had this real fear of being judged for what I wrote. So, it all started out anonymously. What I found, though, as I really listened to my soul – was that it didn’t matter what others thought (mostly) – what mattered was that I listened to “me”.
Thanks for sharing this Angie, it reminds me of why I write – and what it means to me. I really like this…
Lance’s last blog post..The Sunset Of Our Soul
I agree lance, being true to ourselves is what really matters, everything else will fall into place:)
I am so glad you liked my post, thank you so much commenting!
I had to add one thing to this– I was listening to an old Martina McBride cd last night– and one of her songs reminded me immediately of this post– so I thought I would post the lyrics to a portion of the song, I hope it’s ok. It is called “Do What You Do”, and it’s off her Emotion CD. ( a great listen if you can, another song deals with renewal of ourselves, called Through the Ashes)
“All eyes were on Alice
They laughed and made her cry
Yeah she was a little different
But hey you know what?
She found a way to fly
You see Alice
She got her strength from the inside
Hey don’t give em what they think they want
Cause they don’t have a clue
Yeah if you really wanna give em something different
Something to sink their teeth into
Well baby, you just do what you do
The cost of living just went up today
Soon as you started doing things your way
You’ll be shakin em off your coattails from every side
They’ll be trying to catch that free ride”
Absolutely it is OK! The comments are my favorite part of the blog! I am hoping we can all support and discuss our authentic opinions!
This is a great song!
This immediately reminded of something that happened to me recently,
I had someone I am close to tell me ‘you come across as some kind of expert’ (in a negative way)in other words- Don’t be too big for your britches- this is so not my intention, it really hurt my feelings because I was talking about something I was passionate about that is a huge part of my life and I was shot down-
Here is some great quotes/ excerpts from that chapter:http://www.cherylrichardson.com/store/stand-up-for-your-life-introduction.htm
“You have deep within you the power to fulfill your highest vision of your life. To engage this power you must develop a solid personal relationship with yourself. By doing so, you’ ll tap into a wealth of inner strength that will allow you to take the necessary actions that build confidence and self-esteem. When you learn to stop hiding your power and use fear to your advantage, you’ ll become less attached to what others want for you and more attached to what you want for yourself. As this shift occurs,you’ ll naturally begin to lead a more authentic and passionate life.”
“Owning our talents and gifts can feel like a risky proposition. When we speak up for what we want and take the actions to make it happen, others may react in a hurtful way. For example, your best friend may get snippy as your new job makes you less available. Or your mother might become emotionally distant when your happy marriage reminds her of what’s missing in her own relationship. As we start to out-succeed our loved ones our discomfort with success heightens. We become a target when we have something others want. Rather than rocking the boat and being faced with hearing the question “Who do you think you are?” we settle into a semicomfortable relationship with dissatisfaction. It’s much safer to be needy.”
“We offer each other far more support for suffering than success. Success threatens. When you accomplish great things you tap into the unhealed wounds of those around you and remind them of their own lost dreams or unmet needs. ”
“When we ignore our feelings and allow others to rob us of self-esteem, or hide our greatest assets out of a fear of becoming the target of another’s jealousy, we commit an act of self-betrayal that has grave consequences. Each act of self-betrayal may keep the boat safely in balance for the moment, but they will severely diminish our self-esteem over time. Ironically, as our sense of self diminishes, we become even more reliant on what others think. As this vicious cycle continues to play out, we slowly lose our passion and desire for life. Filled with doubt and resentment, we eventually face the stark realization that we are living everyone else’s life but our own.”