As a young girl, I was proud of the fact that I was such a well behaved child, a ‘good girl’.
Sometime around the 4th grade I began to make a gradual shift from the ‘good girl’ role. I was getting tired of always feeling uncomfortable, not expressing how I really felt, and having to be so damn patient. I feared disapproval and craved acceptance, but something in me was changing.
In the 4th grade an event happened that changed my thinking, made me rethink this whole persona I was playing.
Mr. Skirtese was my 4th grade teacher. He was odd to say the least. No one could guess how old he really was, was he 50? was he 70? no one knew. He acted as if he was from a different planet (or perhaps arrived her on a time machine from some other country), some place where they wore big ties and spoke words people never used in the 80′s like ‘lavatory’. He always wore socks that were mismatched, and ties that were too big with odd color combination’s like salmon pink, turquoise, and grass green.
Mr. Skirtese had a crush on my mom so he made sure that he always gave me extra ‘attention’, constantly helping me with my assignments, leaning over to check my work. I sat there cringing, he smelled like a combination of mothballs, stale coffee, and Pall Mall cigarettes. ‘Just get away from me’ I would think, as he was going over how to spell ‘scissors’ on more time. I just knew that the only reason he was being so nice to me was because he liked my mom.
Mr Skirtese drove me absolutely nuts, not to mention the fact that he put me in the position of ‘teacher’s pet’ something I did not want. I was loosing friends over the whole deal, they were starting to think that I was some sort of ‘goody two-shoes’. I couldn’t have that, I was still trying to assert myself as the schoolyard tom-boy. I detested the teasing, it pissed me off so bad that later in the year I ended up putting a tack on his chair (something I had NEVER done or even considered doing as the ‘good girl’), when he asked who did it, I admitted it on the spot. “I’m surprised at you Angie, this is not like you” I remember hearing him say. This of course backfired, because what followed was a series of parent teacher conferences, talking about my ‘problems’ while having to watch Mr Skirtese bat his eyes at my mom- YUK!
On the first day of class Mr Skirtese told everyone it was time to go to the lavatory. Everyone eagerly lined up in a perfectly straight line outside the classroom thinking we were heading off to some fun science experiment involving volcanoes- turns out he was just taking us on a bathroom break. “Here in Troutdale we call it the bathroom” Tony Harris pipes up, before he lost his ‘lavatory’ privilege.
Mr Skirtese had specific rules for when the ‘lavatory’ would be used. So when Terri Ellis raised her hand to go- we all knew the answer would be no. I sat there and watched as Terri’s face turn pomegranate red, tears streaming down her cheeks, she sat there uncomfortable and scared. “Please Mr. Skirtese, I REALLY need to go” she pleaded. “Sorry Terri, Lavatory break was earlier today” Mr Skirtese said, sitting at his desk, not looking up from his grading sheet.
There was a trickling sound, everyone turned to look at Teri, there was an uncomfortable silence when we saw the yellow stream of liquid flowing from Terry’s chair onto the floor. I wanted to go to her but the rules state we are to stay in our seats. She stood up, embarrassed and crying, hands covering her face, her Normandy Rose Jeans dark with the wetness of urine- both front and back. Mr Skirtese jumped up from his desk, he walked briskly toward Terri. Forcing a loud harsh whisper he said “If you really had to go that bad, you should have just went”.
Everyone was rushed out of class into the hallway. The janitor came in a few minutes later with his long yellow gloves, a bucket and some sort of sanitizer.
I always regretted not going to Terri….
I also knew that that could have easily been me. I spent all of my previous years (however few) being the good girl, afraid to stand up for myself.
I told myself then and there- ‘I gotta do what I gotta do, if I ever have to go to the bathroom, (I mean REALLY have to go) I am going to do it- regardless of what ANYONE says’.
That is when I slowly started changing from the shy ‘good’ girl, to the still ‘pretty good’ rebellious teen, to the authentic woman I am now…
My opportunity came 5 year later: Read Part 2 Here
Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein
I use the example above of how growing up in a school environment can make it extremely hard to be authentic. We often feel pressure to pick a role for ourselves just so we can get through the day. Sometimes these habits drift into our adult lives, effecting our everyday living long after we have graduated.
Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others and later regret it?
Do you have a ‘role’ or ‘persona’ that is not authentic to you?
More Resources;
Discover your true purpose, live witout fear and stress
Some names in the story have been changed:)
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Angie–
I definitely think we can all relate to this story is some way. I was painfully shy while a child. I hung out with the “party” crowd for most of my grade school and early high school. I lived in a very small farm community, and there was little to do but drink and smoke. I was the tag along friend everyone brought because Mom would let them go anywhere as long as Angel was with them. I put myself in uncomfortable situations over and over, yet still remained the “good girl” while my friends were getting drunk and high. Oh, how many times I had a friend on each arm pretending to be the happy group, while I was really holding them up to get them through the door of the dance because I was the only sober one in the group.
When I was in the beginning of my sophomore year is when my first realization came. My dad transferred jobs and we moved 4 hours from the only home and friends I had ever known. All of a sudden I was the “new kid”– the one who had all eyes focused on her. Being that shy little girl just was not going to work for me!
That move made me realize that the person BEHIND that shy little girl was confident, beautiful, and still the healer and shoulder she always was. I had the choice– sink or swim– and I chose to swim ! I joined the drama club, the honor society, and took a job bussing tables at a local restaurant.
The moral of my story– I realized, even at that age, that I had it in me to be exactly who I wanted, and I didn’t have to hang on any one’s coat tails to do it. I was ME because of ME, not because of who my friends were. Today I often wish I had more friends, but I am very choosy in who I call a TRUE friend. I will not allow anyone in my life that does not make me feel good as a person, as a friend, and as the woman I want to be!
I still struggle with wanting to be EVERYONE’S friend. I don’t really need it, but I still feel the desire to have that acceptance- and just like that shy little girl, I am so afraid that someone won’t like me. But– I realize now that the people in my life do not define me as a person, they just help round out that person.
What a great post about being true to yourself! It’s not always an easy thing to do — to stand up for who you are — but it’s so important. I do my best to put myself first and sometimes this means not pleasing others, but I know that it’s more important to do what’s right for me even if other people aren’t happy with my choices. Really great post!
Hey Angela! WOW I marvel at how similar our lives were! I too was raised in a small town. I was usually with the ‘rocker’ crowd (although I expanded in high school and later had friends from every group) I was always one to take others under my wing, bring home kids that were less fortunate- giving away my clothes, having my mom cook for them, sneaking them into the basement so they would have a place to sleep when they had family issues.
It was sort of hard to write this post because the good girl in me was saying NO don’t admit you did that (put the tack on the chair)! LOL- others may think I am a brat! In fact I completely forgot I had done that until I started doing an exercise where we write our life story in 7 year increments (pivotal moments both positive and negative). I couldn’t think of anything for around the time of 7 until I had this memory. It was truly out of my character to do this- but Mr Skirtese was one of those people in your life that makes you realize something about yourself- I had to do something! Misbehaving by putting a tack on his chair was probably not the way to go about it- but as a small kid I think this was my was of testing the waters. Of course the tack incident came at the end of the year (I probably should have added it at the end of the post) I had built up some resentment~
Of course I had setbacks. I still compromised my authenticity and got myself into a lot of trouble because I would do things that really didn’t feel right to me. But this was the beginning of me changing – transforming out of my shyness. I was painfully shy before that time- NEVER would consider standing up to any anyone. I used to let others hurt me (young kids would pull my hair and I would just sit there, I remember my Grandma telling me I have to stand up for myself!) I had an abusive babysitter, and never said anything to anyone because I did not think I could.
So even though the road was a bumpy one, I am glad I realized at some point that I could stand up for myself. Ironically this would be tested my Freshman year- I write about it in the next post:)
Thank you positively present! Yes, it has been a life long journey for me to learn how to stand up for myself!
I do believe that people and situations are put in our path so we can learn:)
Thank you so much for commenting!
Angie–
Even as young kids, those small steps mean so much to us. We may not have the maturity to realize it at the time– but looking back, what seemed so insignificant then, can really be the start of an awakening that shapes us later. I have recently cleared a lot of negative “baggage” from my life and my energy is clearing because of it– and it shows. I am drawing new and interesting people into my life that have like ideals, may have good connections for future endeavors, and are just brining such positive light to my life at a time when I desperately need it. It’s a very freeing feeling.
Angie–
Even as young kids, those small steps mean so much to us. We may not have the maturity to realize it at the time– but looking back, what seemed so insignificant then, can really be the start of an awakening that shapes us later. I have recently cleared a lot of negative “baggage” from my life and my energy is clearing because of it– and it shows. I am drawing new and interesting people into my life that have like ideals, may have good connections for future endeavors, and are just brining such positive light to my life at a time when I desperately need it. It’s a very freeing feeling.
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
Hi Angela;
I agree- WHO we have in our life often reflects what is going on – on the inside. Letting go, releasing that resistance makes all the difference. I know what you mean when you say ‘freeing feeling’, Isn’t it wonderful!
There is a quote somewhere that says we have the key to our own cell (or something like that;) it is so true isn’t it!!
Angie’s last blog post..0711ddebe7fd2b92.jpg