Learning to let go

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

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