Be authentic, but don’t be self righteous about it.

” Too often we get hung up on the form of our growth, trying to find the “right” way to do it and then being self-righteous with others about our personal approach” From Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity

It’s pretty exciting when we are learning and growing and it really seems to be working for us. Whether it is a new spiritual path, a form of parenting style, or a lifestyle change, when we have that ‘ah ha’ moment it is tempting to tell everyone we care about it so they can experience the joy too.

There is nothing wrong with sharing what you know and your enthusiasm, and there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries if others cross the line.

However, as I mentioned in my self awareness post When it comes to being truly authentic, the intention is bigger than being ego driven (comes from our true authentic self- not based on seeking approval).

How many times have you met someone who ‘found’ a new spiritual path, diet plan, or parenting tactic and all of a sudden they are putting you down for your lack of following it- they must be right no matter the cost! By them being right it affirms that what they are following is okay, and they must have your approval. If you don’t agree with them then there is something wrong with you (even though just last year they were cheating on their husband in the back seat of the family minivan behind the pub- but now they have seen the light, and it is their job to judge you).

You may be asking ‘what about constructive criticism? ‘ well, if it is not asked for it is not welcome. Even when advice is asked for getting to preachy can be a big turn off. People are not going to be shamed into changing, and it is not going to inspire them to embrace your ‘right’ views.

Even if what you are doing is working wonders for you, it may not be ‘right’ for everyone else. A big part of being authentic is being compassionate and accepting of others, even if you don’t agree.

When you place your focus on others you are taking the focus off yourself. When it comes to self growth, what others are doing is not really that important.

What is important and what you should be asking yourself is:

• What do I need to deal with and heal inside myself in order to be the best version of myself I can be?
• How can I create the best environment or circumstance in which my growth will be supported and enhanced?
• What do I need to be fulfilled?

Choosing to grow and REALLY knowing yourself is hard stuff- for some it is a lifelong journey. We are all growing and changing, we can support each other with compassion without being judgmental.

Have you ever had someone judge you when you try to be more authentic? Leave your comments below I would love to hear from you!

Related articles

• Mike Robbins: Seeing Adversity As Happening for Us, Not to Us (huffingtonpost.com)

Greetings Everyone!

When I decided to bring Authentic Mama back as a blog, I really did a lot of thinking about what I wanted to focus on. There is so much ‘self help’ and ‘self improvement’ info out there, I did not want to come across as a blog that was about ‘fixing’ yourself- I wanted it to be about NOURISHING yourself, REJUVENATING yourself, and BECOMING yourself.

Too many people think that there is some big ‘secret’ out there, you can get just as addicted to information as you can to other substances, never living your own unique path.

My intention is to empower others to be THEMSELVES, not change into someone else (certainly not be like me!). This blog is a process on my journey too, I hope  that some of the information I share can help you be the best version of yourself you can be!

I will be sharing some of the things that help me to return to center- with all the distractions in life it is easy to get thrown off from your soul’s true path. I believe that everyone was born with a purpose and we can get past the obstacles that seem to be in the way (Author Natalie Goldberg calls it the Guardians At The Gate) we can be the Hero’s/ Heroines of our own life’s journey.

SIDE NOTE: In fact some of the obstacles are there for a reason, to teach us and to make us stronger… yet another post!

As I said in the past post this is not about ‘fixing’ yourself or being ‘perfect’ it is about BECOMING your true self.

Some ‘imperfections’ are actually gifts, just because someone else does not like some of your ‘imperfections’ does not mean that you need to change- the only things you may need to consider changing are the things that are holding you back from being authentic.

I am not asking you to look at every little ‘imperfection’ about yourself and fix it, as long as you are not hurting yourself or others some of these could be celebrated and in fact make us unique from everyone else.

For example if you are not ‘good’ at housework or organization, maybe surround yourself with someone who is and you can enhance their lives with things that may not be part of their unique personality but things you are naturally good at and enjoy.

This is why I think that self awareness is so important, when you recognize these things and evaluate how you feel about them, you can stop beating yourself up about not being ‘good enough’, stop trying to control things and focus your energy in the wrong direction.

How much time is wasted trying to master something that is not right for you but was someone else’s idea of what you should be doing? This is not living with integrity, you are lying to yourself and to others.

I will talk more about approval seeking in another article, when you do some introspection you may find that these things you were trying to ‘change’ about yourself really don’t need to be changed at all. BUT if you are repeating behaviors that are hurting yourself or your family, keeping you from being authentic, read on!

This post is a continuation of Authentic Empowerment Step 1

Authentic empowerment:

If your goals are to have a positive impact on others, be of service while at the same time living from a place of authenticity and integrity, then self awareness is the first step.

There are a few definitions of impact- one is to strike against (by force) and the other is to have a positive effect. We can gain power by striking against someone with aggression or yelling. This approach does work (most of the time)  in the short term- it is sometimes quick and effective, but you will have to suffer the consequences.

Most people who are forced to do things by aggression retaliate eventually, or even retaliate in the moment- heck you may have someone who is still waiting to get back at you if you use this method often. If you have a habit in doing this in relationships at work or home people will likely talk behind your back, spit in your burrito, or sue you the second they realize you have enough money for them to make a buck- you become the enemy and as soon as they see you at a weak point, they will strike.

I have a pretty loud voice naturally, the tone of it just carries- and this is in regular speech ( at least I don’t need a microphone:) When I let myself get burned out and tired one of my weaknesses is to lash out. The other day the kids were buck wild, one of the kids ran into me full blast with one of their wood toys, hitting me pretty hard in the side of the leg- I yelled “get out!” .

You may ask what the first reaction from daughter was. She stood frozen on the edge of the kitchen as if to say “hey, don’t yell at me or I will not move”. As I have mentioned in past post I was raised in a family where there was quite a bit of dysfunction.

My intention of course is always to improve and raise my children differently, but lashing out and yelling, while it does not come up often, is something I find myself having to consciously work on, simply because this was the norm in my family growing up and it became a reactionary habit.

If I am having an extra bad day, I now recognize my feelings.  If I get bitchy and snappy I always apologize in the moment.

It is a process… I won’t say that I am not ashamed when I let this happen, but I always remind myself that no mother is perfect and I am doing the best I can to recognize and to improve (I don’t let guilt and shame eat away at me- instead I make a plan). I also take this as a signal that I need to learn to ask for help (another one of my weaknesses) I am working on it:)

When I do mess up I see the results, I don’t feel good, the kids do not feel good, it is simply not effective to have a fun and functioning household. I am not empowered (or I wouldn’t be reacting) and the kids are not learning a good way to live their everyday lives. There is a better solution that is usually more of a win/ win.

Authentic empowerment is based on;

1. A high degree of self awareness

2. Based on self responsibility

3. Intention is bigger than being ego driven (comes from our true authentic self- not based on seeking approval)

Using self awareness to move toward a more authentic life.

There are a few things you can do to become more self aware.

You can either journal this (writing down is a really good method because you can track your progress)-or take some time when there are no distractions or interruptions to evaluate the situation.

When an event happens where you feel dis-empowered (or you find yourself wishing you would have reacted another way), take some time for reflection and do an analysis what happened and your reaction to it.

• Did you speak /express your authentic self fully -without blaming or judging- more on this HERE?
• What are your ‘triggers’.
• Do you notice a pattern?
• What purpose did your reaction serve (For example, were you trying to protect your ego by not feeling ‘stupid’, were you trying to fit in, were you trying to control?)
• What was your TRUE intention? Maybe your needs are not being met- a description of needs HERE
• What will you attempt to change next time?
• What were your immediate thoughts? For example; do you find yourself blaming others or taking responsibility for your part in the conflict?
• What were your feelings (both physical and emotional)?

The reactionary dysfunctional patterns are learned behaviors that have probably sabotaged you in more ways than one- they are not part of your authentic soul. If you notice a physical response (sweating, rapid heart beat, stomach pains) this is stress.

Stress can cause multiple health issues that can hold you back, or even shorten your life. For this reason alone I think it is worth it to learn how to deal with everyday situations confidently and with integrity. When you are telling your truth clearly a compromise can more easily be made when there is a conflict- this makes it more likely to be a win/ win.

Recognizing and changing some things that may be holding yourself back from being your true authentic self is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, the  people you love, and the world.

If you notice mistakes you have been making, learn from them then focus on what makes you shine! The only ‘regret’ you should have is abandoning your true authentic self.

Has there been a time when you have felt dis-empowered? Do you  have some of your own strategies you would like to share? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Related articles

• Authenticity (psychologytoday.com)
• Self Confidence – 10 Simple Things You Can Do Now to Become More Empowered Tomorrow (socyberty.com)
• Shifts to Empowerment (defyinggravity3.wordpress.com)
• Your Personal Power-Up: Five Steps to Take Control of Your Life and Career (prnewswire.com)

Hello everyone! This is a big subject so look for a series of blog posts coming in the next few weeks on authenticity and empowerment, and how this can help you connect with others, become a positive role model, and live your true purpose.

Personal Awareness

You may have heard it 100 times before “the answer is within”, easy right? Now that you know the secret you should have no problem living your life authentically and being empowered right? Well, for most of us it is not that easy.

The best way I can describe acting from a place of self awareness is to mention it’s opposite- reactionary. Have you ever had the feeling that you were not yourself, that you reacted to something and regretted it? Do you find yourself having to lecture and explain yourself instead of just speaking your truth without blame or judgment in a confident and concise way?

Why is it that when we are seeking to be empowered and authentic, the skills that we are attempting to learn and use abandon us when we need them the most?

How many times have you left a situation that you know you did not follow your instincts- “I should have said this” or “I shouldn’t have agreed to do  ____” fill in the blank…

Why does this happen? The main reason is lack of self awareness at the time of the event. Some people refer to this as a ‘dear in the headlights’  moment or a reactionary moment. Instead of coming from a confident ‘knowing’ place we are simply re-playing old destructive patterns that do not work for us or bring us closer to being authentic. We lack the tools to respond because we are not in touch with our intentions, emotions, and/or our core beliefs and interpretations.

We all begin this life expressing our needs without a problem. Babies do not explain themselves, if they need something they let us know in no uncertain terms- they cry when they need to be fed or changed, and they don’t ask permission or make apologies.

The other day my four year old daughter Ella made me so proud I cried. To give a little background, up until a few months ago Ella was communicating mainly by sign language. She just began answering yes and no questions, as well as speaking in conversational sentences a few months ago.

Someone (I won’t mention names due to privacy reasons) said  to her “well you don’t have a choice” Ella’s reply was “yes, I do have a choice”. WOW! She did not need me to dive in and rescue her, that was the best response I have ever heard! Ella has not been conditioned to please others yet, she is coming from a place of 100% integrity (oh to be able to start out fresh at four years old!).

At some point from when we are a baby to when we are adults we learn to manipulate, distort, deny, repress, and lie to others and ourselves about our true selves and our true feelings, and slowly we loose our true selves in the process. We are conditioned to do this by society, our family, and others. We follow along to simply survive.

By the time it is our turn to be parents we can completely forget who we truly are, we have spent so much time pleasing and conforming in order to survive or fit in we lost our true selves somewhere along the way.

Most of us know what we don’t want, but how many of us, without a doubt, know what we DO truly want? If we begin to get a feeling for what we want (or the direction we want to go to follow our true purpose), our first reaction may be to ask our peers what they think, or do research.

Here is the problem, even though you may find no shortage of ‘good’ or ‘right’ advice from others (this includes books, the net, and seminars)- they really can’t truly know what is best for you! Only you know your true purpose and the only way your are going to find it is by true self awareness. Sure you can use tools to help you get there, but in the end it is up to you to follow your inner voice.

Thales of Milet, a philosopher in the sixth century B.C was asked ” What is the most difficult of all things?” he replied “To know yourself” when asked “What is the easiest in life?” his response was “Giving others good advice.”

Back to choice: The fact is we do have a choice weather or not we act from a place of self awareness or not. Some of the things that get in the way of this are:

1. Societies values: For the most part our society is about spending and consuming- this does not encourage self awareness.

2. Time: It seems that here in the USA many of us fill our schedule and don’t make enough time for self growth. We are burned out. We continue to live life on auto pilot.

3. Approval seeking: Instead of acting from a place of authenticity, we wish to seek approval from others (this is mainly ego/ fear driven).

In the next post I will talk more about self awareness as well as give you some tools you can use to incorporate living from a place of self awareness in your everyday life (even when your buttons are pushed!).

These tools will help you to communicate with others better, and you will discover your true values and priorities so you can move toward the direction of living your true purpose. If you are reacting out of anger or fear and this is having a negative impact on your life, we will discuss how you can recognize your needs as well as learn to recognize and transform destructive patterns so you can come from a place of authenticity and empowerment.

In the meantime I want to mention this is not about being perfect! Everyone is reactionary from time to time, this is truly a process. In fact when you truly know yourself and your intentions you are a lot more likely to let go of control and be much more compassionate with yourself and others.

You learn to trust yourself and with trust comes understanding. The first step is awareness – you can recognize you ‘blew it’ and learn from it so you can hopefully do better next time around. Slowly but surely you can start to become more present, and choose your responses to others based on your TRUE feelings not old dysfunctional patterns you have been repeating.  There is no such thing as failure – only learning.

Where are you at when it comes to self awareness? I honor your responses/ comments and would love to hear from you!

Courage allows the successful woman to fail-
and learn powerful lessons-
from the failure-
so that in the end,
she didn’t fail at all.
– Maya Angelou

Resource: High-Impact communication skills with Susan Baile Volume 1 1992

Related articles

• Authenticity (psychologytoday.com)
• Mike Robbins: Seeing Adversity As Happening for Us, Not to Us (huffingtonpost.com)
• Integrity Right to the Core (LearnThis.ca)
• Self Confidence – 10 Simple Things You Can Do Now to Become More Empowered Tomorrow (socyberty.com)

“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

photo credit: Jocko B.

Maya is a mom with two small children and works 40 hours a week at a job she does not love. She gives time and energy to her children and to her job but feels in a constant state of stress. Her life is controlled by a to-do list and she has no time for herself. Some days she feels her authentic self disappearing as she tries to keep up with the needs of her family. Deep down she knows there is more to life than the way she lives now but she doesn’t know how to rejuvenate her life.

Have you ever felt like the woman in this story?

As a mom, do you ever feel as if your authentic sense of self is being smothered by people and things that demand your time, attention, and energy?

As moms, we are givers. We give time to our children. We give energy to organizing the family schedule and household chores. We give attention to those who are sick or who are in need. We give advice such as wash your hands and eat your veges. We give hope to those who need it most. And as if that was not enough giving, we also happen to give birth to life. As authentic mamas, we are givers.

I’m here to tell you that it’s time to give to the most important person in your life – YOU! If you are not putting yourself first, all of the giving you do will eventual leave you empty and exhausted.

Today I give you permission to put yourself first.

1. Take Time for Silent Relaxation. Even 5 minutes a day of meditation is enough time to feel the benefits within your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. Putting yourself first means connecting with your sense of self awareness.

2. Take Action Towards Your Dreams. When I started CreateaBalance.com back in February 2008, I realized I was living my dream simply by taking actions towards my dreams. Once you have determined what your dreams and goals are, incorporate baby action steps towards achieving these dreams. SARK recommends using micromovements to reach your goals, which means every action step is only 5 minutes or less. She figures everyone can manage almost anything for 5 minutes.

3. Connect with Like-Minded Women. Busy routine-filled lives can give us a sense of being isolated from others. To live fully and authentically, it is essential to find time to connect with people you enjoy. If you can’t remember the last time you spent time with friends (without your children) then it is time to put yourself first and schedule a fun day or night out with a friend! Connecting with online friends is a great way to get a quick friendship fix. Embrace the power of relationships and have fun connecting with others.

4. Get Moving. I don’t care if you are training for a marathon, using the farthest parking space from the mall, or taking a sun-lit walk around the block. You are putting yourself first every time you choose to move your body towards the goal of being physically fit. Creatively incorporate some sort of movement into what you already love to do.

5. Feed Your Body Love. I recognize there are many opportunities to make poor choices when it comes to diet and nutrition. Goodness knows almost every restaurant in my town loads piles of french fries onto my sons’ plates. I hate having to resist those fries all through my meal. I do resist them, however, because I am putting myself first and making an active choice to eat healthy. I am not 100% successful, but if I choose to eat unhealthy food it is usually a result of putting myself last.

6. Do What You Love. List twenty things you love doing. Then think about the last time you put yourself first and found time to do these things. Can you find a few things on your list that you can do this week?

7. Honor Your Time. In the Artist’s way, Julia Cameron suggests reflecting on the major activities of your week. Once you create a list of your major activities, think about how much time you gave to each one? Which were what you wanted to do and which were “shoulds”? How much of your time is spent helping others and ignoring your own desires?

If you could take one micromovement towards putting yourself first today, what would you do?

Bio:

Stacey Hoffer Weckstein is a life coach, change management consultant, presenter, trainer, and a global advocate for finding “me” time and putting yourself first. She brings over 14 years of experience in the field of adult learning and human development and helps thousands of people think about and practice the art of life balance.

Stacey’s coaching style and her blog, CreateaBalance.com encourage you to embrace your authentic sense of self, to live with intention, to practice putting yourself first, to hold yourself accountable, and to take action towards living your best life.

When Stacey became a working mom back in 2003, she knew she had to balance the needs of her inner authentic self with the needs of all of the other things that demanded her time, attention, and energy. This process of practicing the art of life balance was one of the most powerful and liberating experiences of her life.

She is now committed to helping other people balance their essential “me” time with everything else that demands their time, attention, and energy.

She has worked with entrepreneurs, large corporations, non-profit organizations, health care systems, academic institutions, and government agencies. She holds a Masters degree in Human Resource Development from Louisiana State University and a Bachelor’s of Science degree, with honors, from Michigan State University.

I am honored that Stacey provided this awesome post for authentic mama. Be sure and visit her awesome website Create a Balance today!