Valuing yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to your children.

There are many ways to boost self esteem and feel worthy, below are a few ideas that you can use together with your children to nourish self worth.

1. Celebrate what is already working for you and your family.

2. Visualize the way you want your relationship between you and your children, family, and spouse to be;  take steps to live it on a daily basis.

3. Be in touch with mind, body and soul:  Teach your children to use positive visualizations and guided imagery for learning, creativity and relaxation. Practice your spirituality.  Encourage daily physical exercise so you can be in touch with your body. Give massage therapy!

4. Encourage your children to listen to the wise voice within, and you do the same!

5. Laugh and play together!

6. Live with gratitude and take time to thank others by both giving and receiving (you are worthy of gifts too!).

7. Keep moving forward; always growing and changing toward your best authentic self.

8. Ask for support when needed.

9. Stop judging yourself, be aware that negative chattering inside the mind and find ways to overcome it.

10. Valuing the place you live also shows that you care about yourself and the world around you. Get outdoors as much as possible, slow down and appreciate the miracle of everyday life (For example:  identify a new flower in your yard, learn as much as you can about it and follow it’s cycle through the seasons, what are the birds, squirrels,  bugs and other wild animals doing during the year?) Discuss and learn with your children.

Additional Resources- wonderful books for you and your children :
I’m a Medicine Woman Too!: A Tale of Herbal Wisdom and Personal Empowerment

Spinning Inward: Using Guided Imagery with Children for Learning, Creativity & Relaxation
Sanctuaries of Childhood: Nurturing a Child’s Spiritual Life

Related articles

• A Non-Consumer Christmas: Simple Gifts for Kids and Grown-Ups (getrichslowly.org)
• Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D.: New Study on Guided Imagery for Healing Kids’ Chronic Pain (huffingtonpost.com)

LOVE  Comments! Are there things you can do to express value for your family?

I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon and make it seem like I am doing an new years resolution- I just had to share this! I am being true to my body… it was time for a change- nothing really to do with New Years, more to do with the cabin fever blues.

I have discovered Yoga…. again.

I was probably around 19 when I first heard about yoga. 

I was working at an athletic club at the time. I remember the class was later in the evening (by that time I was already looking forward to going to the next party). Yoga wasn’t really my ‘style’. Frankly, at the time it seemed a little woo woo and wimpy for my taste- I could go on a mountain and contemplate the world some other time, I used to joke to myself (of course I view things a little differently now).  I already got plenty of stretching in my Tae Kwon Do class, I also reasoned (my least favorite part of the class at the time). I thought Yoga was all about gentle streching and relaxing – something I didn’t have the patience or time for.

I have always been into more ‘agressive’ type sports. I was pretty into weight lifting (I won 1st place in the Jr National Championships in Chest press power lifting if you could picture that-  has it been almost 20 years?….) I loved high risk/ high energy sports- playing around with downhill skiing, mountain bike riding, riding 4 wheelers, and high impact step aerobics as well. I used to have quite a bit of stress in my life- so all these aggressive sports were a literal counter balance, at the time it worked out nice and probably saved me in many ways.

Don’t get me wrong. Working out the ‘hard core’ way had it’s benefits (and it’s downfalls, I can still feel the huge bone spur on the front of my knee from asgood slaughters disease- an ailment that is usually reserved for boys who play soccer or football- but I was lucky enough to get it when I was 12 in both knees ). The main benefit for me was the self esteem boost I got from meeting and exceeding my goals and the stress reducing endorphin rush. Even though I was more prone to injury because of the high risk sports I choose, overall my body was strong and I was confident because I found something I really excelled at.

  Back to the benefits… I tend to be high energy and happy on my good days, but on the flip-side can be aggressive and snappy if I don’t burn off that energy. I tend to start nervously doing things like cleaning around the house or searching for new projects to take on- sometimes it is hard for me to just be.  Or, if I get exhausted from not getting enough exercise (sounds weird I know, but I am the type who really needs to move my body) I can start getting the blues big time.

In general, I like to jump right into things- really going for it. Again this tendency has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I have worked for many years to try and balance this, and I do have a gentle and sensitive side, but I just tend toward the latter if I am not too careful. Spring and summer are great because I get to be out in nature- this is when I feel the most ‘myself’. Working with the plants, hiking, this was my center, but in the off season, whew hewww look out!

All that being said I have really calmed in my old age, but some of those old tendencies are still there- I tend to get edgy if I don’t get enough movement in my body. This has been fine so far, I have a double stroller and I am able to take my kids most places with that, there are beautiful places to walk here with challenging hills for a nice workout. Both of my kids are super active, so lifting them off counters, breaking them up from their baby brawls has really been a workout in itself.

 Fast-forward to these last few months. I live in the Pacific Northwest. It rains here (yes the rumors are true). Not to convenient to take the kids for a stroll. Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate the rain (I know it is why it is so beautiful and green here) but these past few months it just seems to go on and on and on….. So I have been getting a serious case of cabin fever here. I don’t keep weights or my exercise ball around because it can be downright dangerous (OK I guess you need to know  my kids- trust me). So my body has not been getting the movement it needs.

My husband has insisted on turning back on the cable TV for his sports obsession, that has made matters worse - or has it? I ran across Yoga on TV!

WOW what have I been missing all my life! I feel wonderful! I am not concerned with the amount of calories burned, or if it is a ‘real’ workout. I am going on how it makes me feel. All my muscles feel awakened- it is literally like getting a drink of much needed water after walking in the desert for the past few months- (or should I say getting dried off and  cozy by the fire,  in an snuggie, after being submerged in the Pacific Northwest rain). 

I have been practicing daily for about a week now. It is really amazing. I am a total novice of course, but that is not even an issue with me! I was lucky enough to try my first session when the kids were napping so I got to feel that real connection. I am not able to experience that every day because usually my daughter gets a kick of trying to hang off my back leg (great for resistance, not so great for concentrating) when I am attempting Warrior 3- or my son is laying under  my head when I bend over to perform ‘downward- facing dog’ - I get to see the backwards, upside down smile on my son’s face as he grabs the back of my head so I can’t come out of the pose.

But really, it is no big deal, I am  not on a mission to perfect Yoga. I am going with what my body tells me and how I feel. It does not have to be done perfectly, and I accept even the few poses I am able to get in (without interruptions from the adorable rapscallions) and am very grateful for it!  Other than hiking and wildcrafting, this is the only ‘workout’ or exercise I have done where I don’t try to compete with myself, or have some goal I want to attain, it is really all about being in the moment and the process.

I am so glad I decided to give Yoga a try! It has become part of my morning routine and I am lovin’ it! Some other interesting ‘side effects’ I feel much more in touch with and aware of my body. I have even been eating more healthy and feeling more energetic overall- because I am just so in tune with my body, I am also in tune with what it needs food-wise. My posture has improved tremendously in just one week, and my hips feel like they are getting more aligned (they never felt quite right after my son was born). My stress (a side effect from not taking care of/ making time for myself like I should) seems to be gone.

I have also been inspired to pencil more time for myself~literally~ doing creative things that I love. I have been writing some fiction short stories (something I have wanted to do forever) and have been making even more time for reading.

In general I just feel more balanced and ‘with it’. Yoga along with my herbs (like my old stand by milky oats) and I am good to go- I feel relaxed yet energized for the entire day, with more energy to spare in the evening after the kids go to bed. And dare I say it, but I don’t even need my morning coffee—God I never thought I would give up that- you have no idea how much I enjoy being the rebel herbalist who refuses to give up her coffee addiction!

 Yay! I never thought making one small change like this could make such an impact!

“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

Last week me and the kids got a touch of the flu. I have went back and forth from thinking “it’s gone, oh yay!” to “it’s back again – oh no!” This one has really lingered! We rarely get sick so this was a real surprise. Besides learning that my body is trying to tell me to slow down, I also learned another valuable lesson this past week.

I lost my voice for a few days. I have no problem being silent during certain situations- alone time, hunting or fishing, in a massage session,  in a classroom, during a ceremony for example . But to have to remain silent when you actually need to use your voice was a real learning experience!

After just a few hours of not being able to speak, one of the first things I noticed was when I am talking, I am not fully aware of other things that are going on around me. I always knew this to some extent, but we get into habits- even patterns of how we talk to certain people, sometimes we don’t have this awareness. Sure conversation is usually a friendly give and take exchange, but not being able to speak (in situations where I would normally do so) made me realize how much I tend to take the lead in conversation. Also, not necessarily words but also sounds- laughing, making funny noises to my babies, these are all sounds I make throughout the day without really being aware of how often I do them!

Just the energy of the tone of your voice for example can really change a dynamic of an interaction.  I am a very naturally talkative person. I tend to use my voice to put others at ease in certain situations. It comes naturally to me so I did not realize how often I did this. I went to the store to get some soup (because I did not feel like making any) and was not able to say anything to the cashier (not even “hi” in an upbeat tone), he treated me completely different than what I am used to! Normally, if I felt a little uncomfortable  I would try to change this energy by saying something nice. I was not able to do this so it was a little odd to just move through the line, pay for my item without saying anything.

The few days I have not been able to talk I have noticed a lot more and have been much more present. I have noticed patterns me and my husband tend to get into. Just how often I take the lead in our relationship (he tends to be the ‘quiet one’ and I am the ‘talkative one’). I have also noticed that since I am not speaking, my husband is speaking more (or am I just noticing it more?)! I have become a lot more creative with my gestures- just trying to get my point across- we have had a few laughs (well, smiles and coughs for me).

I have really been unconscious about how many times I say “no” and “stop” to my 2 1/2 year old daughter and my 11 month old son. I have had to get real creative about how I deal with the taking of toys/ not sharing, climbing on cupboards, and other things that tots do. This has been a real blessing because I did notice that I say the word “no” way too much, or even raise my voice from across the room out of laziness.

The best gift of the whole thing is being able to have even more empathy for my daughter who has a language disorder. What a wonderful gift to be able to get just a little taste of how she feels for a few days. I have felt the occasional frustration, and also have noticed how others act toward me- completely different when you don’t speak up, sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. That whole dynamic of others speaking louder, slower, etc, assuming you have a hard time understanding is very interesting. It is not a good feeling when someone (well intentioned) acts like this- it just solidifies my hope that others will treat my daughter just like everyone else, something I find myself reminding people of when they are talking about her ‘disorder’ or ‘treatment plans’ or ‘lack of words’ in  front of her as if she cannot understand.

Also, just seeing how much I actually NEED my voice. I have had to cancel 2 conference calls- really inconvenient! I have a lot to say dang it!

It is one thing to say “think before you speak” but to actually not have the ability to speak and experience this for myself really solidified this lesson for me, not only that, I saw the impact my voice has on others,  and for that I am grateful! This like many other things is best learned by experience.

Anyway, everyone should try this (if you can) for a few days. It has been a great learning experience for me! I am hoping this cold or flu- whatever it is. Will be gone soon, so I can get back to my old self- talking away (but thinking a little more before I do)!!! LOL! -not really laughing out loud, my throat is too sore- but I am in my mind:)

Anyone else ever loose your voice? Did you learn anything from it? Do you think your voice has an impact on others?

The other day I was sitting in the coffee shop getting ready to do some computer work. I had just started typing when a well dressed man came up to the counter and began talking to the barista. I couldn’t help but overhear “ya, my girlfriend loves to watch those stupid shows like Jerry Springer, when I asked her why she said that it was because she loves to watch these f^%&ed up people because it makes her feel good about herself”.

At first I was annoyed, then I had an epiphany. There are actually people who like to see others not succeed – the lower others are, the better they feel. OK it is not like this was new news to me, I always knew there were people like this out there. The epiphany was I had heard this somewhere before, it was from a friend that I had not talked to since my daughter was born. Although I knew this friend had insecurities, I never thought she would take these out on me. I found out the hard way that no matter how much you want to help someone, they cannot give away what they don’t have.

You see, once I became pregnant with daughter, I decided there was no room for toxic relationships in my life. I decided I was no longer going to waste my time with it. It was not like I made some big announcement to the world, I just began to change. Sure I had a few setbacks, and boy, the people in my life at the time who were not used to this change in me tried to make a ruckus. This particular friend that I mentioned earlier caused nothing but drama and stress in my life when the most exciting, miraculous, amazing thing was happening. I was having a  successful pregnancy following recurring miscarriages. I had never been more happy in my life. I was hurt, frustrated and confused as to why she would try to cause so many problems in my life knowing full well all I had been through. She went so far as to get several other people involved and I ended up uninviting the people involved to my baby shower. I was always there for her, I trusted her, why was she doing this?

I had the  realization that when you begin to change and start respecting yourself, the people who were able to manipulate you in the past begin to notice the shift immediately and take evasive action. They test your boundaries, try to put you down, and manipulate so they can try to get a foot hold again. I will admit that this was a very stressful time, these were people that were fully interwoven into my life at the time- for whatever reason I felt combination of obligation, blame, and even victimized for a while.  Prior to my pregnancy I did not have the knowledge at the time to realize that by going along with the drama I was betraying my own values, it took the love for my daughter to make me come to the this realization. I did not feel deserving enough until the moment I became pregnant, I had came so far to get to this place after just experiencing 2 miscarriages. My daughter’s life was in my hands- yes it took that for me to realize.

” Never be upset when you find yourself in the valleys of life for in there lies all the nutrients for growth.” Barbara Johnson

The separation from these toxic relationships and the rearranging and restructuring of a few others was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I always prided myself in being honest and not betraying others but after I made this new  commitment to myself and my daughter, I realized that I had been betraying myself for a long time. I would never dream of doing this to someone else, yet it was OK for me to treat myself this way. Was I holding true to my values? Was I even sure what my values were?

After this began the process of being true to myself, and realizing I am the best judge of what is right for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I made a commitment that I would establish a code of honor for myself and stick to it. I would continue to learn and grow.

Here are just a few things you can get do to get started if you feel you like your boundaries have been crossed, you’re not trusting yourself,  you are not respecting yourself, or you have toxic relationships in your life.

1. Make a commitment to be true to yourself and your values. This may include writing out a mission statement for yourself, place it somewhere where you can see it daily. Write affirmations to change those beliefs that have been placed on you that no longer serve you. You may even celebrate your new commitment with a ceremony or celebration.

2. Know yourself make time to stop, quiet yourself, and go withing daily. Accept yourself, appreciate your gifts, be compassionate not critical of your shortcomings, pay close attention to what you say and do, and get feedback from someone you can trust.

3. Know your values YOU define those!

4. Tell the truth- even if its uncomfortable or even painful.

5. Be willing to change and grow - deal with what you need to, let go and move forward.

6. Forgive yourself and others – be compassionate, don’t blame yourself or others.

7. Be bold, courageous and express your unique self!- celebrate your wild creativity!

More resources…

Medicine Woman Core Course

Click here for A Year of Guided Meditations

photo credit: Jocko B.

Maya is a mom with two small children and works 40 hours a week at a job she does not love. She gives time and energy to her children and to her job but feels in a constant state of stress. Her life is controlled by a to-do list and she has no time for herself. Some days she feels her authentic self disappearing as she tries to keep up with the needs of her family. Deep down she knows there is more to life than the way she lives now but she doesn’t know how to rejuvenate her life.

Have you ever felt like the woman in this story?

As a mom, do you ever feel as if your authentic sense of self is being smothered by people and things that demand your time, attention, and energy?

As moms, we are givers. We give time to our children. We give energy to organizing the family schedule and household chores. We give attention to those who are sick or who are in need. We give advice such as wash your hands and eat your veges. We give hope to those who need it most. And as if that was not enough giving, we also happen to give birth to life. As authentic mamas, we are givers.

I’m here to tell you that it’s time to give to the most important person in your life – YOU! If you are not putting yourself first, all of the giving you do will eventual leave you empty and exhausted.

Today I give you permission to put yourself first.

1. Take Time for Silent Relaxation. Even 5 minutes a day of meditation is enough time to feel the benefits within your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. Putting yourself first means connecting with your sense of self awareness.

2. Take Action Towards Your Dreams. When I started CreateaBalance.com back in February 2008, I realized I was living my dream simply by taking actions towards my dreams. Once you have determined what your dreams and goals are, incorporate baby action steps towards achieving these dreams. SARK recommends using micromovements to reach your goals, which means every action step is only 5 minutes or less. She figures everyone can manage almost anything for 5 minutes.

3. Connect with Like-Minded Women. Busy routine-filled lives can give us a sense of being isolated from others. To live fully and authentically, it is essential to find time to connect with people you enjoy. If you can’t remember the last time you spent time with friends (without your children) then it is time to put yourself first and schedule a fun day or night out with a friend! Connecting with online friends is a great way to get a quick friendship fix. Embrace the power of relationships and have fun connecting with others.

4. Get Moving. I don’t care if you are training for a marathon, using the farthest parking space from the mall, or taking a sun-lit walk around the block. You are putting yourself first every time you choose to move your body towards the goal of being physically fit. Creatively incorporate some sort of movement into what you already love to do.

5. Feed Your Body Love. I recognize there are many opportunities to make poor choices when it comes to diet and nutrition. Goodness knows almost every restaurant in my town loads piles of french fries onto my sons’ plates. I hate having to resist those fries all through my meal. I do resist them, however, because I am putting myself first and making an active choice to eat healthy. I am not 100% successful, but if I choose to eat unhealthy food it is usually a result of putting myself last.

6. Do What You Love. List twenty things you love doing. Then think about the last time you put yourself first and found time to do these things. Can you find a few things on your list that you can do this week?

7. Honor Your Time. In the Artist’s way, Julia Cameron suggests reflecting on the major activities of your week. Once you create a list of your major activities, think about how much time you gave to each one? Which were what you wanted to do and which were “shoulds”? How much of your time is spent helping others and ignoring your own desires?

If you could take one micromovement towards putting yourself first today, what would you do?

Bio:

Stacey Hoffer Weckstein is a life coach, change management consultant, presenter, trainer, and a global advocate for finding “me” time and putting yourself first. She brings over 14 years of experience in the field of adult learning and human development and helps thousands of people think about and practice the art of life balance.

Stacey’s coaching style and her blog, CreateaBalance.com encourage you to embrace your authentic sense of self, to live with intention, to practice putting yourself first, to hold yourself accountable, and to take action towards living your best life.

When Stacey became a working mom back in 2003, she knew she had to balance the needs of her inner authentic self with the needs of all of the other things that demanded her time, attention, and energy. This process of practicing the art of life balance was one of the most powerful and liberating experiences of her life.

She is now committed to helping other people balance their essential “me” time with everything else that demands their time, attention, and energy.

She has worked with entrepreneurs, large corporations, non-profit organizations, health care systems, academic institutions, and government agencies. She holds a Masters degree in Human Resource Development from Louisiana State University and a Bachelor’s of Science degree, with honors, from Michigan State University.

I am honored that Stacey provided this awesome post for authentic mama. Be sure and visit her awesome website Create a Balance today!

As a mom with a child who may not be considered ‘typical’ according to all of the developmental charts, I can completely relate to the anxiety one initially feels when you sense something may be ‘wrong’. It is easy to get caught up in information overload.  I got so many “shoulds’ from others. There is an ocean of information you can surf through on the internet. After my initial fear reaction, I realized I needed to take a deep breath, it was going to be OK. Once I started to come from a place of compassion and trust instead of fear, the people who were giving me all those ‘shoulds’ gradually just disappeared.

I remember when my daughter Ella first started showing some ‘red flags”, when she was 15 months old she lost the 10 plus words she had. She began having meltdowns, had extreme reactions to certain sounds, had extreme social anxiety,  and had problems transitioning from routine. Ella loved the show Signing Time (we saw it on Public TV). We began watching the show daily learning signs together. At first Ella only knew 2 or 3 signs, but months passed and she was able to pick up 10 plus signs. I noticed she was using signs just to show us she knew them- not in conversation (she would sign Table for example, not referring to a Table but to show us she knew the sign- she knew the sign for water and food but instead of using them she would scream or push when she wanted something)  An ‘expert’ told me not to bother with sign language because she was not using it pragmatically. That I should go with a picture communication exchange system or a communication device (small hand-held computer system). This did not resonate with me, I could not see carrying a book or computer around wherever we went, we are a very active  family and I have a baby son- what if these devices were lost? Plus Ella LOVED the signing, my heart told me there had to be a way. I explored other ways to teach Ella how to use the signs to communicate- I ran across a method called ‘manding’ (teaching how to use signs for commands) after several weeks of practice (and some resistance from Ella at first) the method worked!  I went with my intution and it has paid off! Ella’s confidence continues to grow as she practices a form of communication she loves, she can communicate with us any time and at any place. I am not discounting the use of PECS or computer systems- they are excellent for some children- just not ideal for our situation.

Following your authentic path as a family can be difficult- that is why it is so important to take care of yourself as a mom! If you are feeding your own body, mind, and spirit you will be available to make the right decisions for your family and your unique situation.  By focusing on self care when needed, you will not only be able to be there for your kids because you will have optimum health and state of mind, but you will be an excellent role model for them in the future. When you are centered you can be more confident that the decistions you are making are the right ones for your situation at that time.

The sign language debate was not the only choice we made as a family that people disagreed with and I am sure it won’t be the last… But at least I can feel confident that we are going with what is best for OUR authentic family and learning along the way!

There is an excellent post over at Close to the root blog about ‘parenting out of the box’- a perfect example of following your authentic path, enjoy!