I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon and make it seem like I am doing an new years resolution- I just had to share this! I am being true to my body… it was time for a change- nothing really to do with New Years, more to do with the cabin fever blues.

I have discovered Yoga…. again.

I was probably around 19 when I first heard about yoga. 

I was working at an athletic club at the time. I remember the class was later in the evening (by that time I was already looking forward to going to the next party). Yoga wasn’t really my ‘style’. Frankly, at the time it seemed a little woo woo and wimpy for my taste- I could go on a mountain and contemplate the world some other time, I used to joke to myself (of course I view things a little differently now).  I already got plenty of stretching in my Tae Kwon Do class, I also reasoned (my least favorite part of the class at the time). I thought Yoga was all about gentle streching and relaxing – something I didn’t have the patience or time for.

I have always been into more ‘agressive’ type sports. I was pretty into weight lifting (I won 1st place in the Jr National Championships in Chest press power lifting if you could picture that-  has it been almost 20 years?….) I loved high risk/ high energy sports- playing around with downhill skiing, mountain bike riding, riding 4 wheelers, and high impact step aerobics as well. I used to have quite a bit of stress in my life- so all these aggressive sports were a literal counter balance, at the time it worked out nice and probably saved me in many ways.

Don’t get me wrong. Working out the ‘hard core’ way had it’s benefits (and it’s downfalls, I can still feel the huge bone spur on the front of my knee from asgood slaughters disease- an ailment that is usually reserved for boys who play soccer or football- but I was lucky enough to get it when I was 12 in both knees ). The main benefit for me was the self esteem boost I got from meeting and exceeding my goals and the stress reducing endorphin rush. Even though I was more prone to injury because of the high risk sports I choose, overall my body was strong and I was confident because I found something I really excelled at.

  Back to the benefits… I tend to be high energy and happy on my good days, but on the flip-side can be aggressive and snappy if I don’t burn off that energy. I tend to start nervously doing things like cleaning around the house or searching for new projects to take on- sometimes it is hard for me to just be.  Or, if I get exhausted from not getting enough exercise (sounds weird I know, but I am the type who really needs to move my body) I can start getting the blues big time.

In general, I like to jump right into things- really going for it. Again this tendency has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I have worked for many years to try and balance this, and I do have a gentle and sensitive side, but I just tend toward the latter if I am not too careful. Spring and summer are great because I get to be out in nature- this is when I feel the most ‘myself’. Working with the plants, hiking, this was my center, but in the off season, whew hewww look out!

All that being said I have really calmed in my old age, but some of those old tendencies are still there- I tend to get edgy if I don’t get enough movement in my body. This has been fine so far, I have a double stroller and I am able to take my kids most places with that, there are beautiful places to walk here with challenging hills for a nice workout. Both of my kids are super active, so lifting them off counters, breaking them up from their baby brawls has really been a workout in itself.

 Fast-forward to these last few months. I live in the Pacific Northwest. It rains here (yes the rumors are true). Not to convenient to take the kids for a stroll. Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate the rain (I know it is why it is so beautiful and green here) but these past few months it just seems to go on and on and on….. So I have been getting a serious case of cabin fever here. I don’t keep weights or my exercise ball around because it can be downright dangerous (OK I guess you need to know  my kids- trust me). So my body has not been getting the movement it needs.

My husband has insisted on turning back on the cable TV for his sports obsession, that has made matters worse - or has it? I ran across Yoga on TV!

WOW what have I been missing all my life! I feel wonderful! I am not concerned with the amount of calories burned, or if it is a ‘real’ workout. I am going on how it makes me feel. All my muscles feel awakened- it is literally like getting a drink of much needed water after walking in the desert for the past few months- (or should I say getting dried off and  cozy by the fire,  in an snuggie, after being submerged in the Pacific Northwest rain). 

I have been practicing daily for about a week now. It is really amazing. I am a total novice of course, but that is not even an issue with me! I was lucky enough to try my first session when the kids were napping so I got to feel that real connection. I am not able to experience that every day because usually my daughter gets a kick of trying to hang off my back leg (great for resistance, not so great for concentrating) when I am attempting Warrior 3- or my son is laying under  my head when I bend over to perform ‘downward- facing dog’ - I get to see the backwards, upside down smile on my son’s face as he grabs the back of my head so I can’t come out of the pose.

But really, it is no big deal, I am  not on a mission to perfect Yoga. I am going with what my body tells me and how I feel. It does not have to be done perfectly, and I accept even the few poses I am able to get in (without interruptions from the adorable rapscallions) and am very grateful for it!  Other than hiking and wildcrafting, this is the only ‘workout’ or exercise I have done where I don’t try to compete with myself, or have some goal I want to attain, it is really all about being in the moment and the process.

I am so glad I decided to give Yoga a try! It has become part of my morning routine and I am lovin’ it! Some other interesting ‘side effects’ I feel much more in touch with and aware of my body. I have even been eating more healthy and feeling more energetic overall- because I am just so in tune with my body, I am also in tune with what it needs food-wise. My posture has improved tremendously in just one week, and my hips feel like they are getting more aligned (they never felt quite right after my son was born). My stress (a side effect from not taking care of/ making time for myself like I should) seems to be gone.

I have also been inspired to pencil more time for myself~literally~ doing creative things that I love. I have been writing some fiction short stories (something I have wanted to do forever) and have been making even more time for reading.

In general I just feel more balanced and ‘with it’. Yoga along with my herbs (like my old stand by milky oats) and I am good to go- I feel relaxed yet energized for the entire day, with more energy to spare in the evening after the kids go to bed. And dare I say it, but I don’t even need my morning coffee—God I never thought I would give up that- you have no idea how much I enjoy being the rebel herbalist who refuses to give up her coffee addiction!

 Yay! I never thought making one small change like this could make such an impact!

“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?