Sometimes negative feedback is valid. However it is not always what you say but how you say it.

When is negative feedback valid?

Sometimes a child needs to hear the truth. Would you be doing your child any favors if he/she made it all the way to high school graduation never learning an important skill they needed because everyone was afraid to hurt their feelings?  Or worse because they were dismissed based on an invalid judgment? Being told you are not doing something right does not always feel good but taking the criticism and asking yourself  ‘is the core of this valid?’  is a necessary skill to master if you are going to learn from your mistakes.

You can teach your child to accept and consider the valid part of the criticism without having to take in the opinion part of it (the sarcastic  comments, “how many times do I have to tell you” the exaggerated body language and gestures some people use etc).

Let’s face it, some people are really harsh. Your child may need some constructive criticism when learning a new task, but it is not always given in a good way. Depending on how the person is feeling that day (or their personality in general) there can be negative body language or sarcasm involved even if they do not come right out and say that your child is stupid (or some other invalid label).

I will never forget the day in sophomore English class when my teacher said to me ” how did YOU know that?” after I proudly raised my hand answering a question correctly about a Shakespeare lesson that we had just read. I was humiliated so instead of clarifying how I knew the answer I just sank in my chair. I ended up not participating in class after that day.

I was a ‘problem child’ in high school, and I was/ am dyslexic (this was before spell-check or computers) so the teacher probably assumed I cheated to get the answer. To be honest this bothered me for YEARS (because I really did like Shakespeare!), if someone would have given me some tools to use to ask the right questions, I may not have carried around the label of ‘stupid’ for so long. He could have meant anything, but I presumed instead of clarifying.

On the flip side of that, I wish someone would have noticed the dyslexia early so I could have taken steps to improve both my writing and math skills. It was only years later, in college when a math professor picked up on it. I failed at my first attempt at college. Determined, I bought a ‘math magic’ and spelling program to study at home on my own. When I learned I was dyslexic and was able to tell my professors this, they were less likely to just dismiss my work- they gave me constructive feedback and tools.  My second attempt at College was a success and I graduated with honors.

Back to the sophomore English teacher, how different would it have been if I would have asked the teacher what he meant by that statement? Who knows, I could have been wrong and it would have saved me years of grief.  If he talked about how horrible my spelling was for example, perhaps we could work toward getting some extra help with that (instead of expecting me to just take a hint- or writing me off as stupid).

Tools:

Explain to your child that someone else’s negative opinion about them is not important (it is usually more about the other person then the child anyway). What is important is looking past that and asking yourself if the criticism is valid.

Ask your child “is that how you feel about yourself?”. Do some empathetic listening to get to the bottom of how your child really feels.

Give the child some ‘come backs’  they can use such as:

• “thank you for your opinion”
• “Thank you for the negative feedback” – Quote Rita Davenport
• “Thank you, you may be right”

From I Need Your Love – Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead

…or simply ignore the invalid criticism and take in the valid part and learn from it, for example:

• ” Thank you, I will attempt to improve ____”

Teach your child to shrug off the emotional perspectives of others and focus on the facts.

There will still be times when your child’s feelings are hurt (especially if the criticism comes from a close friend or relative) but over time the child will learn that all the emotional stuff attached when people are giving criticism is indeed more about the other person.

Can you think of other constructive ‘come backs’ to shrug of subtle put downs without getting defensive? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Related articles

• How to Manage Criticism Effectively (sixrevisions.com)
• Getting further with feedback (leadershipfreak.wordpress.com)

“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living