“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

The good girl

You may be thinking, ‘isn’t it good to be  ‘well behaved”?  If you are being genuine, it is your choice,  and you are not coming from a space of fear, then of course it is. On the flip side, being overly ‘well behaved’ can actually be dangerous, a girl may feel afraid to speak up when she is having a health issue, another girl may be afraid to tell a boy ‘no’  who is making sexual advances (and it is making her uncomfortable) , a boy may feel pressure from his peers to commit an act of violence, these are just a few extreme examples- but there are many more less obvious ones.

If you are being ‘good’ because you are afraid, resentment for others will begin to stew as you chip away your own needs and wants- this can be taxing on self esteem. It can be insidious, you may not even realize you are doing it.

Do you go ahead and eat something (cold, tastes bad, or the wrong order)  because you don’t want to ‘bother’ the wait staff?

Do you always say ‘yes’ right away because you don’t want to seem cold or unavailable to others? Resulting in you over- scheduling yourself/ feeling exhausted ?

Do you let yourself be pressured into things/ situations that are not right for you?

Do you not tell the truth because you are afraid you may hurt other people’s feelings?

Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others? And then later regret it?

Do you find it hard to ask for directions/ to speak up when you need help?

Standing up for yourself may have consequences- and others may not always like it

~but it’s necessary and worth it in the long run~

If you read my previous post I discuss how I made a decision that if I was ever put in that position – I would ‘do what I need to do’.  I had the opportunity in Mr. Kyles earth science class 5 years later to put this promise I made to myself to the test. I always had a problem speaking up to authority and a terrible fear of ‘getting in trouble’ or disappointing an authority figure- especially teachers. So asking to go to the bathroom (and going anyway after being told no) may not seem like a big deal, but it is the courage to do the little everyday things that are necessary to stand up for ourselves that give us the courage to really do it when the big major things arise.

The day it happened

Earth Science class was right after lunch, even though I would stop to go to the bathroom before class, it seemed like I always had to go again half way through. You were not allowed to drink or eat during classes, so of course during lunch I would make up for it with a 24 once cup full of Coca Cola.

Mr Kyle had this ridiculous rule that you could only go to the bathroom 3 times per year. He must have really loved this rule because he spent half of the first day of class explaining how he kept track of your bathroom breaks, and how he would not let anyone go past 3 under any circumstances.

I raised my hand and asked the dreaded question “can I go to the bathroom?” Mr kyles said “Well Angie, I think you used up your privileges, but let me take a look”. He opens his forest green ‘everyone’s bathroom habits’ notebook “Yep, just as I thought, you have used them all”. “But I really need to go” I replied. “Sorry, you should have thought of that at lunch, now get to work”.

My mind automatically thought back to Terry (who did not feel she could stand up for herself, so she ended up having an ‘accident’ in class), and all of sudden I could think of nothing else, I was afraid I was going to loose it. “I am sorry Mr Kyle but I have to go NOW” I said.  “YOU WILL NOT” I hear Mr Kyle state in the background as I am running down the hallway, out the double doors, halfway through the commons I had to stop and cross my legs- I managed to gather myself and made it to the bathroom. I hadn’t even came out of the stall when heard the click, click, click of Principle Myer’s maroon pumps on the tile floor. The clicking stopped and she stood there, her two feet right in front of my stall. When I came out Mrs Myer’s was giving me the evil eye”Come with me” ….

This was a major problem. You don’t just walk out of the classroom. I tried to explain that I had to go and it couldn’t wait. This was not good enough. I was taken out of Mr. Kyles classroom, had to re-take earth science the next year, my parents were called and I was sent home for the day.   My step dad delighted in grounding me for 2 weeks over the whole affair, and I got the lecture of how I should have thought about having to pee during the lunch break.

It was excruciating but worth it. I was told later by my science partner Matt that everyone in the classroom went into an uproar after I left- cheering and wailing. Turns out I was a catalyst to a near riot. The following weeks were full of hallway high-fives and ‘right on!’ from friends and strangers alike.

“Real authenticity is not some set of rules or a self-righteous definition about how people “should” be in life…it is the willingness and courage to be real, true, transparent, and vulnerable in the moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience of being in relationship with others and living this magical, mysterious, wonderful, crazy, exciting thing we call life.~ Mike Robbins”

If you want to make a positive difference in other people’s lives, you have to make a positive difference in your own life first.

If you have been playing the ‘good girl’ role, you may find it hard to start saying no, or disappointing others. As Cheryl Richardson states in her book Extreme Self Care.

“Most of us don’t like to hurt or disappoint our fellow men and women. It’s an uncomfortable thing to do. Some common reasons for this are:

We don’t want to feel guilty.
We don’t want to disappoint others because we know how bad it feels.
We don’t have the language to let someone down with grace and love.
Our fear of conflict and our desire to keep the peace keep us from telling the truth.
We want people to like us and are uncomfortable when they don’t. ”

Read Cheryl’s article to find out how to say ‘no’ with grace and love..

Sometimes I laugh when I stop and take the time to really have a look around my house. When did I vacuum last? Really, my house is not that bad (it’s livable), but I will tell you this, I will ‘let it go’ as my Grandmother would say, before I would quit writing or quit playing on the ground, in the dirt,  face to face with my kids.

I’ll throw the laundry into the closet unfolded, hide the unopened bills in a drawer that is so full it can’t even be opened, use a push broom to push all the toys into a corner in the playroom, have books laying on every surface when really they should be neatly placed on a bookshelf.

Because what really matters,  is that my kids were cherished, that I nurtured my passion and creativity, that I stopped and took the time to have that conversation with a cherished friend.  No one is going to remember or care what the house looked like 20 years from now. In 20 years, my children will be blossoming into adulthood, and I hope they will have learned more than housecleaning.

My Grandmother loved to write (and did I mention she gave birth to, and raised 10 amazing children, 9 of them girls?), one of the most cherished gifts I have ever received are the hand made books she used to craft for me. Before scrap booking, the internet, or photo-shop, she would carefully pick magazine photos and cut and paste them to hard paper~ creating wonderful stories and poems all about me, her hopes for me, and beautiful things she knew I  liked; butterflies, birds and flowers.

I loved reading my Grandmother’s writings, one stands out in particular, here in an excerpt from one of her poems titled Memories;

“But o, how it would have eased the burden she bare along life’s way,

if I’d told mother how much I love her while it was still today.” ~ 1985

The poem sparked a conversation that led me to find out about one of my families biggest ‘scandals’. My mother explained to me that Grandma had indeed not spoken to her mother for years after, and had always regretted it. I may not have know that if it were not for my Grandma’s writings.

I love that someday my kids will be able to look back at  my journals (both online and off), get a glimpse of how I was living at the time, what my passions and learning experiences were, and see how I interacted with the world. And hopefully, like Grandma’s writings they will spark many spirited conversations around the table.

” Tell us the details…  pay tribute to all the everyday and extraordinary things” ~Natalie Goldberg

I have kept many journals over the years. Unfortunately, I threw all the early ones away. I was worried about being judged if anyone ever found them, and also, there was a lot of painful things in there that had not been addressed, and I wanted it all to be forgotten.

I would give anything to be able to read those journals from my turbulent teen years. Could you imagine the insight I could have gleaned from all of that teenage angst? It is one thing to be able to look back and remember the past (we change the stories over time) but to be able to read my feelings, raw, in the moment- I wish I would have kept them. I would love to go back to that girl in the tight Levi’s jeans, give her a big hug, and tell her not to worry, tell her her butt is perfect and stop worrying about it (that in a few years J low would make her ‘bubble butt’ popular), and reassure her that she was amazing and for God’s sake don’t worry what others think. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to look back on those journals when Ella is a teen, just in case I need to be reminded?

Just when I want to give up writing- shut down the computer, run into the woods and never log on again, I am remided again of all the blessings of sharing, writing it all down.

“Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that’s why we decide we’re done. It’s getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out.” ~ Natalie Goldberg

Yep folks, I going to keep it up! Get used to me, I’ll be here a while.

Writing Resources:

Click here for the Way of Story Writing Course

Last week me and the kids got a touch of the flu. I have went back and forth from thinking “it’s gone, oh yay!” to “it’s back again – oh no!” This one has really lingered! We rarely get sick so this was a real surprise. Besides learning that my body is trying to tell me to slow down, I also learned another valuable lesson this past week.

I lost my voice for a few days. I have no problem being silent during certain situations- alone time, hunting or fishing, in a massage session,  in a classroom, during a ceremony for example . But to have to remain silent when you actually need to use your voice was a real learning experience!

After just a few hours of not being able to speak, one of the first things I noticed was when I am talking, I am not fully aware of other things that are going on around me. I always knew this to some extent, but we get into habits- even patterns of how we talk to certain people, sometimes we don’t have this awareness. Sure conversation is usually a friendly give and take exchange, but not being able to speak (in situations where I would normally do so) made me realize how much I tend to take the lead in conversation. Also, not necessarily words but also sounds- laughing, making funny noises to my babies, these are all sounds I make throughout the day without really being aware of how often I do them!

Just the energy of the tone of your voice for example can really change a dynamic of an interaction.  I am a very naturally talkative person. I tend to use my voice to put others at ease in certain situations. It comes naturally to me so I did not realize how often I did this. I went to the store to get some soup (because I did not feel like making any) and was not able to say anything to the cashier (not even “hi” in an upbeat tone), he treated me completely different than what I am used to! Normally, if I felt a little uncomfortable  I would try to change this energy by saying something nice. I was not able to do this so it was a little odd to just move through the line, pay for my item without saying anything.

The few days I have not been able to talk I have noticed a lot more and have been much more present. I have noticed patterns me and my husband tend to get into. Just how often I take the lead in our relationship (he tends to be the ‘quiet one’ and I am the ‘talkative one’). I have also noticed that since I am not speaking, my husband is speaking more (or am I just noticing it more?)! I have become a lot more creative with my gestures- just trying to get my point across- we have had a few laughs (well, smiles and coughs for me).

I have really been unconscious about how many times I say “no” and “stop” to my 2 1/2 year old daughter and my 11 month old son. I have had to get real creative about how I deal with the taking of toys/ not sharing, climbing on cupboards, and other things that tots do. This has been a real blessing because I did notice that I say the word “no” way too much, or even raise my voice from across the room out of laziness.

The best gift of the whole thing is being able to have even more empathy for my daughter who has a language disorder. What a wonderful gift to be able to get just a little taste of how she feels for a few days. I have felt the occasional frustration, and also have noticed how others act toward me- completely different when you don’t speak up, sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. That whole dynamic of others speaking louder, slower, etc, assuming you have a hard time understanding is very interesting. It is not a good feeling when someone (well intentioned) acts like this- it just solidifies my hope that others will treat my daughter just like everyone else, something I find myself reminding people of when they are talking about her ‘disorder’ or ‘treatment plans’ or ‘lack of words’ in  front of her as if she cannot understand.

Also, just seeing how much I actually NEED my voice. I have had to cancel 2 conference calls- really inconvenient! I have a lot to say dang it!

It is one thing to say “think before you speak” but to actually not have the ability to speak and experience this for myself really solidified this lesson for me, not only that, I saw the impact my voice has on others,  and for that I am grateful! This like many other things is best learned by experience.

Anyway, everyone should try this (if you can) for a few days. It has been a great learning experience for me! I am hoping this cold or flu- whatever it is. Will be gone soon, so I can get back to my old self- talking away (but thinking a little more before I do)!!! LOL! -not really laughing out loud, my throat is too sore- but I am in my mind:)

Anyone else ever loose your voice? Did you learn anything from it? Do you think your voice has an impact on others?