“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

Last week me and the kids got a touch of the flu. I have went back and forth from thinking “it’s gone, oh yay!” to “it’s back again – oh no!” This one has really lingered! We rarely get sick so this was a real surprise. Besides learning that my body is trying to tell me to slow down, I also learned another valuable lesson this past week.

I lost my voice for a few days. I have no problem being silent during certain situations- alone time, hunting or fishing, in a massage session,  in a classroom, during a ceremony for example . But to have to remain silent when you actually need to use your voice was a real learning experience!

After just a few hours of not being able to speak, one of the first things I noticed was when I am talking, I am not fully aware of other things that are going on around me. I always knew this to some extent, but we get into habits- even patterns of how we talk to certain people, sometimes we don’t have this awareness. Sure conversation is usually a friendly give and take exchange, but not being able to speak (in situations where I would normally do so) made me realize how much I tend to take the lead in conversation. Also, not necessarily words but also sounds- laughing, making funny noises to my babies, these are all sounds I make throughout the day without really being aware of how often I do them!

Just the energy of the tone of your voice for example can really change a dynamic of an interaction.  I am a very naturally talkative person. I tend to use my voice to put others at ease in certain situations. It comes naturally to me so I did not realize how often I did this. I went to the store to get some soup (because I did not feel like making any) and was not able to say anything to the cashier (not even “hi” in an upbeat tone), he treated me completely different than what I am used to! Normally, if I felt a little uncomfortable  I would try to change this energy by saying something nice. I was not able to do this so it was a little odd to just move through the line, pay for my item without saying anything.

The few days I have not been able to talk I have noticed a lot more and have been much more present. I have noticed patterns me and my husband tend to get into. Just how often I take the lead in our relationship (he tends to be the ‘quiet one’ and I am the ‘talkative one’). I have also noticed that since I am not speaking, my husband is speaking more (or am I just noticing it more?)! I have become a lot more creative with my gestures- just trying to get my point across- we have had a few laughs (well, smiles and coughs for me).

I have really been unconscious about how many times I say “no” and “stop” to my 2 1/2 year old daughter and my 11 month old son. I have had to get real creative about how I deal with the taking of toys/ not sharing, climbing on cupboards, and other things that tots do. This has been a real blessing because I did notice that I say the word “no” way too much, or even raise my voice from across the room out of laziness.

The best gift of the whole thing is being able to have even more empathy for my daughter who has a language disorder. What a wonderful gift to be able to get just a little taste of how she feels for a few days. I have felt the occasional frustration, and also have noticed how others act toward me- completely different when you don’t speak up, sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. That whole dynamic of others speaking louder, slower, etc, assuming you have a hard time understanding is very interesting. It is not a good feeling when someone (well intentioned) acts like this- it just solidifies my hope that others will treat my daughter just like everyone else, something I find myself reminding people of when they are talking about her ‘disorder’ or ‘treatment plans’ or ‘lack of words’ in  front of her as if she cannot understand.

Also, just seeing how much I actually NEED my voice. I have had to cancel 2 conference calls- really inconvenient! I have a lot to say dang it!

It is one thing to say “think before you speak” but to actually not have the ability to speak and experience this for myself really solidified this lesson for me, not only that, I saw the impact my voice has on others,  and for that I am grateful! This like many other things is best learned by experience.

Anyway, everyone should try this (if you can) for a few days. It has been a great learning experience for me! I am hoping this cold or flu- whatever it is. Will be gone soon, so I can get back to my old self- talking away (but thinking a little more before I do)!!! LOL! -not really laughing out loud, my throat is too sore- but I am in my mind:)

Anyone else ever loose your voice? Did you learn anything from it? Do you think your voice has an impact on others?