Valuing yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to your children.

There are many ways to boost self esteem and feel worthy, below are a few ideas that you can use together with your children to nourish self worth.

1. Celebrate what is already working for you and your family.

2. Visualize the way you want your relationship between you and your children, family, and spouse to be;  take steps to live it on a daily basis.

3. Be in touch with mind, body and soul:  Teach your children to use positive visualizations and guided imagery for learning, creativity and relaxation. Practice your spirituality.  Encourage daily physical exercise so you can be in touch with your body. Give massage therapy!

4. Encourage your children to listen to the wise voice within, and you do the same!

5. Laugh and play together!

6. Live with gratitude and take time to thank others by both giving and receiving (you are worthy of gifts too!).

7. Keep moving forward; always growing and changing toward your best authentic self.

8. Ask for support when needed.

9. Stop judging yourself, be aware that negative chattering inside the mind and find ways to overcome it.

10. Valuing the place you live also shows that you care about yourself and the world around you. Get outdoors as much as possible, slow down and appreciate the miracle of everyday life (For example:  identify a new flower in your yard, learn as much as you can about it and follow it’s cycle through the seasons, what are the birds, squirrels,  bugs and other wild animals doing during the year?) Discuss and learn with your children.

Additional Resources- wonderful books for you and your children :
I’m a Medicine Woman Too!: A Tale of Herbal Wisdom and Personal Empowerment

Spinning Inward: Using Guided Imagery with Children for Learning, Creativity & Relaxation
Sanctuaries of Childhood: Nurturing a Child’s Spiritual Life

Related articles

• A Non-Consumer Christmas: Simple Gifts for Kids and Grown-Ups (getrichslowly.org)
• Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D.: New Study on Guided Imagery for Healing Kids’ Chronic Pain (huffingtonpost.com)

LOVE  Comments! Are there things you can do to express value for your family?

“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

The other day I was sitting in the coffee shop getting ready to do some computer work. I had just started typing when a well dressed man came up to the counter and began talking to the barista. I couldn’t help but overhear “ya, my girlfriend loves to watch those stupid shows like Jerry Springer, when I asked her why she said that it was because she loves to watch these f^%&ed up people because it makes her feel good about herself”.

At first I was annoyed, then I had an epiphany. There are actually people who like to see others not succeed – the lower others are, the better they feel. OK it is not like this was new news to me, I always knew there were people like this out there. The epiphany was I had heard this somewhere before, it was from a friend that I had not talked to since my daughter was born. Although I knew this friend had insecurities, I never thought she would take these out on me. I found out the hard way that no matter how much you want to help someone, they cannot give away what they don’t have.

You see, once I became pregnant with daughter, I decided there was no room for toxic relationships in my life. I decided I was no longer going to waste my time with it. It was not like I made some big announcement to the world, I just began to change. Sure I had a few setbacks, and boy, the people in my life at the time who were not used to this change in me tried to make a ruckus. This particular friend that I mentioned earlier caused nothing but drama and stress in my life when the most exciting, miraculous, amazing thing was happening. I was having a  successful pregnancy following recurring miscarriages. I had never been more happy in my life. I was hurt, frustrated and confused as to why she would try to cause so many problems in my life knowing full well all I had been through. She went so far as to get several other people involved and I ended up uninviting the people involved to my baby shower. I was always there for her, I trusted her, why was she doing this?

I had the  realization that when you begin to change and start respecting yourself, the people who were able to manipulate you in the past begin to notice the shift immediately and take evasive action. They test your boundaries, try to put you down, and manipulate so they can try to get a foot hold again. I will admit that this was a very stressful time, these were people that were fully interwoven into my life at the time- for whatever reason I felt combination of obligation, blame, and even victimized for a while.  Prior to my pregnancy I did not have the knowledge at the time to realize that by going along with the drama I was betraying my own values, it took the love for my daughter to make me come to the this realization. I did not feel deserving enough until the moment I became pregnant, I had came so far to get to this place after just experiencing 2 miscarriages. My daughter’s life was in my hands- yes it took that for me to realize.

” Never be upset when you find yourself in the valleys of life for in there lies all the nutrients for growth.” Barbara Johnson

The separation from these toxic relationships and the rearranging and restructuring of a few others was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I always prided myself in being honest and not betraying others but after I made this new  commitment to myself and my daughter, I realized that I had been betraying myself for a long time. I would never dream of doing this to someone else, yet it was OK for me to treat myself this way. Was I holding true to my values? Was I even sure what my values were?

After this began the process of being true to myself, and realizing I am the best judge of what is right for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I made a commitment that I would establish a code of honor for myself and stick to it. I would continue to learn and grow.

Here are just a few things you can get do to get started if you feel you like your boundaries have been crossed, you’re not trusting yourself,  you are not respecting yourself, or you have toxic relationships in your life.

1. Make a commitment to be true to yourself and your values. This may include writing out a mission statement for yourself, place it somewhere where you can see it daily. Write affirmations to change those beliefs that have been placed on you that no longer serve you. You may even celebrate your new commitment with a ceremony or celebration.

2. Know yourself make time to stop, quiet yourself, and go withing daily. Accept yourself, appreciate your gifts, be compassionate not critical of your shortcomings, pay close attention to what you say and do, and get feedback from someone you can trust.

3. Know your values YOU define those!

4. Tell the truth- even if its uncomfortable or even painful.

5. Be willing to change and grow - deal with what you need to, let go and move forward.

6. Forgive yourself and others – be compassionate, don’t blame yourself or others.

7. Be bold, courageous and express your unique self!- celebrate your wild creativity!

More resources…

Medicine Woman Core Course

Click here for A Year of Guided Meditations