“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

The good girl

You may be thinking, ‘isn’t it good to be  ‘well behaved”?  If you are being genuine, it is your choice,  and you are not coming from a space of fear, then of course it is. On the flip side, being overly ‘well behaved’ can actually be dangerous, a girl may feel afraid to speak up when she is having a health issue, another girl may be afraid to tell a boy ‘no’  who is making sexual advances (and it is making her uncomfortable) , a boy may feel pressure from his peers to commit an act of violence, these are just a few extreme examples- but there are many more less obvious ones.

If you are being ‘good’ because you are afraid, resentment for others will begin to stew as you chip away your own needs and wants- this can be taxing on self esteem. It can be insidious, you may not even realize you are doing it.

Do you go ahead and eat something (cold, tastes bad, or the wrong order)  because you don’t want to ‘bother’ the wait staff?

Do you always say ‘yes’ right away because you don’t want to seem cold or unavailable to others? Resulting in you over- scheduling yourself/ feeling exhausted ?

Do you let yourself be pressured into things/ situations that are not right for you?

Do you not tell the truth because you are afraid you may hurt other people’s feelings?

Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others? And then later regret it?

Do you find it hard to ask for directions/ to speak up when you need help?

Standing up for yourself may have consequences- and others may not always like it

~but it’s necessary and worth it in the long run~

If you read my previous post I discuss how I made a decision that if I was ever put in that position – I would ‘do what I need to do’.  I had the opportunity in Mr. Kyles earth science class 5 years later to put this promise I made to myself to the test. I always had a problem speaking up to authority and a terrible fear of ‘getting in trouble’ or disappointing an authority figure- especially teachers. So asking to go to the bathroom (and going anyway after being told no) may not seem like a big deal, but it is the courage to do the little everyday things that are necessary to stand up for ourselves that give us the courage to really do it when the big major things arise.

The day it happened

Earth Science class was right after lunch, even though I would stop to go to the bathroom before class, it seemed like I always had to go again half way through. You were not allowed to drink or eat during classes, so of course during lunch I would make up for it with a 24 once cup full of Coca Cola.

Mr Kyle had this ridiculous rule that you could only go to the bathroom 3 times per year. He must have really loved this rule because he spent half of the first day of class explaining how he kept track of your bathroom breaks, and how he would not let anyone go past 3 under any circumstances.

I raised my hand and asked the dreaded question “can I go to the bathroom?” Mr kyles said “Well Angie, I think you used up your privileges, but let me take a look”. He opens his forest green ‘everyone’s bathroom habits’ notebook “Yep, just as I thought, you have used them all”. “But I really need to go” I replied. “Sorry, you should have thought of that at lunch, now get to work”.

My mind automatically thought back to Terry (who did not feel she could stand up for herself, so she ended up having an ‘accident’ in class), and all of sudden I could think of nothing else, I was afraid I was going to loose it. “I am sorry Mr Kyle but I have to go NOW” I said.  “YOU WILL NOT” I hear Mr Kyle state in the background as I am running down the hallway, out the double doors, halfway through the commons I had to stop and cross my legs- I managed to gather myself and made it to the bathroom. I hadn’t even came out of the stall when heard the click, click, click of Principle Myer’s maroon pumps on the tile floor. The clicking stopped and she stood there, her two feet right in front of my stall. When I came out Mrs Myer’s was giving me the evil eye”Come with me” ….

This was a major problem. You don’t just walk out of the classroom. I tried to explain that I had to go and it couldn’t wait. This was not good enough. I was taken out of Mr. Kyles classroom, had to re-take earth science the next year, my parents were called and I was sent home for the day.   My step dad delighted in grounding me for 2 weeks over the whole affair, and I got the lecture of how I should have thought about having to pee during the lunch break.

It was excruciating but worth it. I was told later by my science partner Matt that everyone in the classroom went into an uproar after I left- cheering and wailing. Turns out I was a catalyst to a near riot. The following weeks were full of hallway high-fives and ‘right on!’ from friends and strangers alike.

“Real authenticity is not some set of rules or a self-righteous definition about how people “should” be in life…it is the willingness and courage to be real, true, transparent, and vulnerable in the moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience of being in relationship with others and living this magical, mysterious, wonderful, crazy, exciting thing we call life.~ Mike Robbins”

If you want to make a positive difference in other people’s lives, you have to make a positive difference in your own life first.

If you have been playing the ‘good girl’ role, you may find it hard to start saying no, or disappointing others. As Cheryl Richardson states in her book Extreme Self Care.

“Most of us don’t like to hurt or disappoint our fellow men and women. It’s an uncomfortable thing to do. Some common reasons for this are:

We don’t want to feel guilty.
We don’t want to disappoint others because we know how bad it feels.
We don’t have the language to let someone down with grace and love.
Our fear of conflict and our desire to keep the peace keep us from telling the truth.
We want people to like us and are uncomfortable when they don’t. ”

Read Cheryl’s article to find out how to say ‘no’ with grace and love..

As a young girl,  I was proud of the fact that I was such a well behaved child, a ‘good girl’.

Sometime around the 4th grade I began to make a gradual shift from the ‘good girl’ role. I was getting tired of always feeling uncomfortable, not expressing how I really felt, and having to be so damn patient. I feared disapproval and craved acceptance, but something in me was changing.

In the 4th grade an event happened that changed my thinking, made me rethink this whole persona I was playing.

Mr. Skirtese was my 4th grade teacher. He was odd to say the least. No one could guess how old he really was, was he 50? was he 70? no one knew. He acted as if he was from a different planet (or perhaps arrived her on a time machine from some other country), some place where they wore big ties and spoke words people never used in the 80′s like ‘lavatory’. He always wore socks that were mismatched, and ties that were too big with odd color combination’s like salmon pink, turquoise,  and grass green.

Mr. Skirtese had a crush on my mom so he made sure that he always gave me extra ‘attention’,  constantly helping me with my assignments, leaning over to check my work. I sat there cringing,  he smelled like a combination of mothballs, stale coffee, and Pall Mall cigarettes. ‘Just get away from me’ I would think, as he was going over how to spell ‘scissors’ on more time. I just knew that the only reason he was being so nice to me was because he liked my mom.

Mr Skirtese drove me absolutely nuts, not to mention the fact that he put me in the position of ‘teacher’s pet’ something I did not want. I was loosing friends over the whole deal, they were starting to think that I was some sort of ‘goody two-shoes’. I couldn’t have that, I was still trying to assert myself as the schoolyard tom-boy.  I detested the teasing,  it pissed me off so bad that later in the year I ended up putting a tack on his chair (something I had NEVER done or even considered doing as the ‘good girl’), when he asked who did it, I admitted it on the spot. “I’m surprised at you Angie, this is not like you” I remember hearing him say. This of course backfired, because what followed was a series of parent teacher conferences, talking about my ‘problems’ while having to watch Mr Skirtese bat his eyes at my mom- YUK!

On the first day of class Mr Skirtese told everyone it was time to go to the lavatory.  Everyone eagerly lined up in a perfectly straight line outside the classroom thinking we were heading off to some fun science experiment involving volcanoes- turns out he was just taking us on a bathroom break. “Here in Troutdale we call it the bathroom” Tony Harris pipes up, before he lost his ‘lavatory’ privilege.

Mr Skirtese had specific rules for when the ‘lavatory’ would be used. So when Terri Ellis raised her hand to go- we all knew the answer would be no. I sat there and watched as Terri’s face turn pomegranate red, tears streaming down her cheeks, she sat there uncomfortable and scared. “Please Mr. Skirtese, I REALLY need to go” she pleaded. “Sorry Terri, Lavatory break was earlier today” Mr Skirtese said, sitting at his desk,  not looking up from his grading sheet.

There was a trickling sound, everyone turned to look at Teri, there was an uncomfortable silence when we saw the yellow stream of liquid flowing from Terry’s chair onto the floor. I wanted to go to her but the rules state we are to stay in our seats. She stood up, embarrassed and crying, hands covering her face,  her Normandy Rose Jeans dark with the wetness of urine- both front and back. Mr Skirtese  jumped up from his desk, he walked briskly toward Terri. Forcing a loud harsh whisper he said “If you really had to go that bad, you should have just went”.

Everyone was rushed out of class into the hallway.  The janitor came in a few minutes later with his long yellow gloves, a bucket and some sort of sanitizer.

I always regretted not going to Terri….

I also knew that that could have easily been me. I spent all of my previous years (however few) being the good girl, afraid to stand up for myself.

I told myself then and there- ‘I gotta do what I gotta do, if I ever have to go to the bathroom, (I mean REALLY have to go) I am going to do it- regardless of what ANYONE says’.

That is when I slowly started changing from the shy ‘good’ girl, to the still ‘pretty good’ rebellious teen, to the authentic woman I am now…

My opportunity came 5 year later: Read Part 2 Here

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein

I use the example above of how growing up in a school environment can make it extremely hard to be authentic. We often feel pressure to pick a role for ourselves just so we can get through the day.  Sometimes these habits drift into our adult lives, effecting our everyday living long after we have graduated.

Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others and later regret it?

Do you have a ‘role’ or ‘persona’ that is not authentic to you?

Continue to part 2

More Resources;

Discover your true purpose, live witout fear and stress

Medicine Woman Core Course

Some names in the story have been changed:)