“Why is it that when I don’t know what I want, there is always someone waiting to tell me what it is? I’m just lucky I guess. ~ Anne Wilson Schaef

Do you really know what your needs are?

If you are not living authentically, you may wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and wonder who the person is that is staring back at you.

If we get used to doing what everyone else expects of us, we may loose the ability to determine what we want. We may get confused about what it is exactly that is good and right for us.  Our needs are not being met because we do not know what those needs are.

Unless you know what you want, what your values are, and what is right for you, you cannot be an honest person. You are not only being dishonest with yourself, but you are being dishonest with everyone you are trying to please. You may think you are pleasing them, but the reality is they will never get to know the real you.

People who will try to punish you for being authentic

In The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley he states ” Walk away from anyone who “helps” you to feel that it’s necessary for you to hurt; leave anyone who causes you pain for “your own good”.

Often we may fear being authentic about our wants, needs and values because of the reaction of others. In my view, honesty is the best policy. Real love is unconditional.

“Never accept as natural or necessary any relationship outwardly- or inwardly – with a person or psychological state that punishes you. Say “NO” and just go! A whole new independent life awaits you.” Guy Finely

Here is a great needs inventory from the Center For Nonviolent Communication

This list may help you in your path to authenticity, do you recognize any of these needs that may not be getting met in your life right now? Are you able to communicate these needs in a healthy way with others?

Here are some great products and resources:   Guy Finely Fearless Living

How many times have I been caught off guard, someone I care about has pointed the finger at me with a personal insult of some kind. I loose sleep over it, my mind just keeps reeling with countless questions, thoughts, and possible solutions. Maybe I should tell them this or that, maybe I should just stop talking to them, maybe I should call my friend and ask what she thinks. “This whole thing is stupid”,I think to myself as I reach for the skullcap tincture so I can get some sleep.

I remember when I was younger, someone would say something about me personally that I did not feel was true about me. I would waste my valuable energy trying to come up with useful ‘comebacks’- Funny, witty, smart-ass, cutting, burning… This was fun to do in the privacy of my own mind, but of course I would always think “I should have said/ did that- wait until next time!”

Back in grade school we had a name for it- someone would make a comeback remark and we would say “OHHHHH Burn!!!’. Then we would be proud of that, as if we accomplished something, really standing up for ourselves. The other person would either go away, head down in defeat, or come back with and even bigger and better ‘burn’ – until the recess bell rang and the dual of words was over (until next time). If this sounds childish- believe it or not, I have still had this go on in my own personal life in one form or another.

I don’t believe this is really standing up for yourself. This just brings you down to their level. You cannot ascend to the top when you are busy holding someone else down, at the bottom of the barrel. You must let go.

Letting go is really what it’s about isn’t it.

I have heard over and over again that when someone points the finger at you, they are actually pointing it right back at themselves. What they are saying about you, is a deep seeded insecurity that they are actually feeling about themselves. They are afraid to be in touch with their own feelings, so the project it outward- onto you.

“you spot it you got it” Rita Davenport

I used to work retail sales at Jay Jacobs at Lloyd Center. I never lost my cool. I would have customers screaming at me, I always had a way of defusing the situation.I did not take it personally, I knew the customer was upset and really what they wanted was a solution- something I would try to make happen for them. I was not emotionally attached to an outcome, or the person.

It would get a little more complicated when I was dealing with people who were intertwined into my everyday life- people I was emotionally attached to . I had this desire for approval, I wanted them to understand, I wanted them to know that these things they were saying about me were not true, I felt like they didn’t really know me if they are thinking such things- so I would try to explain myself- convince them. Or, I would feel  like I had been disrespected, insulted, so I would try to give them a ‘taste of their own medicine’ as my mother used to say- revenge, punishment, with words.

Here is the realization I came to:

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The person who is pointing the finger has to work that out (whatever it is) for themselves, in their own time. All the convincing in the world is not going to get them there. They have to be ready. Until they work on themselves (their own self-esteem), they will never be able to see the good qualities in you. This is useful information too if you find yourself judging or criticizing someone- can you find out what is going on inside you that would make you see those things?

Here is something else that is true for me. Some people are able to stay in abusive situations, put themselves in the mix and keep their cool. But for me, I am a sensitive soul. Constant drama is excruciating to me. I need to make my boundaries known- then if they continue to be crossed I have to get myself out of the situation. I have always gotten over things very quickly (even though I take things to heart initially), I tend to see the positive side to a situation. When I say ‘it’s fine’ it really is fine for me. The problem with forgetting the whole thing is, I may have been sending out the message that it was OK to treat me badly- never really making it clear that this I will no longer accept a certain behavior, I was teaching people how to treat me. I had concern that if I brought up (how the name calling and finger pointing made me feel), I would just stir things up again so I would not say anything, smile and say ‘it’s all good’. The problem with that was the pattern would keep repeating itself. Until finally I was forced to face it and learn from it.

Then one day- I remembered. I look back and I come to the realization that I have allowed a behavior that is not acceptable to me anymore. I guess I have come to realize that everything is not always ‘OK’ with me, that I have a right to not allow certain things into my life. That I have a right to want things to be more peaceful for my family.

Forgiveness. That does not mean that you have to invite them over for tea every day. It means you understand that they did the best with the information and knowledge they had at the time, they are in pain- you can feel compassion for them.You can understand that you cannot change another person- simply let them be who they are, and love yourself. Don’t expect anything from THEM to make you more whole- you have to do that for yourself.  I think that may be where the saying comes from ‘plant your own garden’~ I have always loved that saying, maybe because of my personal connection to plants.

” What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us  more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it’s what we both needed, I was sure of it” ~Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

Time to let it go.

When you have a deep knowing in your own heart about your self worth, values, and purpose- the need to ‘defend’ yourself will come up less frequently. You will not need to ‘convince’ anyone~ this is who you are.

I used to think that setting boundaries was something you do in defense – in an angry moment. It is not. It is the calm knowing of what you will accept.

This has been talked about many times before- but it is true. When you are truly confident with yourself, those who do not see that in themselves will either leave your presence, or they themselves will begin to change.

Awareness is the first step.

Sometimes letting go means leaving, some times it means letting go of beliefs and habits that no longer serve you, sometimes it means giving yourself freedom to be authentic.

It is a process, a process I am working on. Thank you for reading my insights on my journey. Since I have been more clear about my personal values, what I want for myself and my family,  and made a commitment to myself to solidify those, I have never felt more free. There is a release of resistance, a resistance that I did not even know was there. I feel light and free ~happy~!

“It doesn’t matter what other people say or do what matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself”~ Louise L. Hay

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

The good girl

You may be thinking, ‘isn’t it good to be  ‘well behaved”?  If you are being genuine, it is your choice,  and you are not coming from a space of fear, then of course it is. On the flip side, being overly ‘well behaved’ can actually be dangerous, a girl may feel afraid to speak up when she is having a health issue, another girl may be afraid to tell a boy ‘no’  who is making sexual advances (and it is making her uncomfortable) , a boy may feel pressure from his peers to commit an act of violence, these are just a few extreme examples- but there are many more less obvious ones.

If you are being ‘good’ because you are afraid, resentment for others will begin to stew as you chip away your own needs and wants- this can be taxing on self esteem. It can be insidious, you may not even realize you are doing it.

Do you go ahead and eat something (cold, tastes bad, or the wrong order)  because you don’t want to ‘bother’ the wait staff?

Do you always say ‘yes’ right away because you don’t want to seem cold or unavailable to others? Resulting in you over- scheduling yourself/ feeling exhausted ?

Do you let yourself be pressured into things/ situations that are not right for you?

Do you not tell the truth because you are afraid you may hurt other people’s feelings?

Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others? And then later regret it?

Do you find it hard to ask for directions/ to speak up when you need help?

Standing up for yourself may have consequences- and others may not always like it

~but it’s necessary and worth it in the long run~

If you read my previous post I discuss how I made a decision that if I was ever put in that position – I would ‘do what I need to do’.  I had the opportunity in Mr. Kyles earth science class 5 years later to put this promise I made to myself to the test. I always had a problem speaking up to authority and a terrible fear of ‘getting in trouble’ or disappointing an authority figure- especially teachers. So asking to go to the bathroom (and going anyway after being told no) may not seem like a big deal, but it is the courage to do the little everyday things that are necessary to stand up for ourselves that give us the courage to really do it when the big major things arise.

The day it happened

Earth Science class was right after lunch, even though I would stop to go to the bathroom before class, it seemed like I always had to go again half way through. You were not allowed to drink or eat during classes, so of course during lunch I would make up for it with a 24 once cup full of Coca Cola.

Mr Kyle had this ridiculous rule that you could only go to the bathroom 3 times per year. He must have really loved this rule because he spent half of the first day of class explaining how he kept track of your bathroom breaks, and how he would not let anyone go past 3 under any circumstances.

I raised my hand and asked the dreaded question “can I go to the bathroom?” Mr kyles said “Well Angie, I think you used up your privileges, but let me take a look”. He opens his forest green ‘everyone’s bathroom habits’ notebook “Yep, just as I thought, you have used them all”. “But I really need to go” I replied. “Sorry, you should have thought of that at lunch, now get to work”.

My mind automatically thought back to Terry (who did not feel she could stand up for herself, so she ended up having an ‘accident’ in class), and all of sudden I could think of nothing else, I was afraid I was going to loose it. “I am sorry Mr Kyle but I have to go NOW” I said.  “YOU WILL NOT” I hear Mr Kyle state in the background as I am running down the hallway, out the double doors, halfway through the commons I had to stop and cross my legs- I managed to gather myself and made it to the bathroom. I hadn’t even came out of the stall when heard the click, click, click of Principle Myer’s maroon pumps on the tile floor. The clicking stopped and she stood there, her two feet right in front of my stall. When I came out Mrs Myer’s was giving me the evil eye”Come with me” ….

This was a major problem. You don’t just walk out of the classroom. I tried to explain that I had to go and it couldn’t wait. This was not good enough. I was taken out of Mr. Kyles classroom, had to re-take earth science the next year, my parents were called and I was sent home for the day.   My step dad delighted in grounding me for 2 weeks over the whole affair, and I got the lecture of how I should have thought about having to pee during the lunch break.

It was excruciating but worth it. I was told later by my science partner Matt that everyone in the classroom went into an uproar after I left- cheering and wailing. Turns out I was a catalyst to a near riot. The following weeks were full of hallway high-fives and ‘right on!’ from friends and strangers alike.

“Real authenticity is not some set of rules or a self-righteous definition about how people “should” be in life…it is the willingness and courage to be real, true, transparent, and vulnerable in the moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience of being in relationship with others and living this magical, mysterious, wonderful, crazy, exciting thing we call life.~ Mike Robbins”

If you want to make a positive difference in other people’s lives, you have to make a positive difference in your own life first.

If you have been playing the ‘good girl’ role, you may find it hard to start saying no, or disappointing others. As Cheryl Richardson states in her book Extreme Self Care.

“Most of us don’t like to hurt or disappoint our fellow men and women. It’s an uncomfortable thing to do. Some common reasons for this are:

We don’t want to feel guilty.
We don’t want to disappoint others because we know how bad it feels.
We don’t have the language to let someone down with grace and love.
Our fear of conflict and our desire to keep the peace keep us from telling the truth.
We want people to like us and are uncomfortable when they don’t. ”

Read Cheryl’s article to find out how to say ‘no’ with grace and love..

As a young girl,  I was proud of the fact that I was such a well behaved child, a ‘good girl’.

Sometime around the 4th grade I began to make a gradual shift from the ‘good girl’ role. I was getting tired of always feeling uncomfortable, not expressing how I really felt, and having to be so damn patient. I feared disapproval and craved acceptance, but something in me was changing.

In the 4th grade an event happened that changed my thinking, made me rethink this whole persona I was playing.

Mr. Skirtese was my 4th grade teacher. He was odd to say the least. No one could guess how old he really was, was he 50? was he 70? no one knew. He acted as if he was from a different planet (or perhaps arrived her on a time machine from some other country), some place where they wore big ties and spoke words people never used in the 80′s like ‘lavatory’. He always wore socks that were mismatched, and ties that were too big with odd color combination’s like salmon pink, turquoise,  and grass green.

Mr. Skirtese had a crush on my mom so he made sure that he always gave me extra ‘attention’,  constantly helping me with my assignments, leaning over to check my work. I sat there cringing,  he smelled like a combination of mothballs, stale coffee, and Pall Mall cigarettes. ‘Just get away from me’ I would think, as he was going over how to spell ‘scissors’ on more time. I just knew that the only reason he was being so nice to me was because he liked my mom.

Mr Skirtese drove me absolutely nuts, not to mention the fact that he put me in the position of ‘teacher’s pet’ something I did not want. I was loosing friends over the whole deal, they were starting to think that I was some sort of ‘goody two-shoes’. I couldn’t have that, I was still trying to assert myself as the schoolyard tom-boy.  I detested the teasing,  it pissed me off so bad that later in the year I ended up putting a tack on his chair (something I had NEVER done or even considered doing as the ‘good girl’), when he asked who did it, I admitted it on the spot. “I’m surprised at you Angie, this is not like you” I remember hearing him say. This of course backfired, because what followed was a series of parent teacher conferences, talking about my ‘problems’ while having to watch Mr Skirtese bat his eyes at my mom- YUK!

On the first day of class Mr Skirtese told everyone it was time to go to the lavatory.  Everyone eagerly lined up in a perfectly straight line outside the classroom thinking we were heading off to some fun science experiment involving volcanoes- turns out he was just taking us on a bathroom break. “Here in Troutdale we call it the bathroom” Tony Harris pipes up, before he lost his ‘lavatory’ privilege.

Mr Skirtese had specific rules for when the ‘lavatory’ would be used. So when Terri Ellis raised her hand to go- we all knew the answer would be no. I sat there and watched as Terri’s face turn pomegranate red, tears streaming down her cheeks, she sat there uncomfortable and scared. “Please Mr. Skirtese, I REALLY need to go” she pleaded. “Sorry Terri, Lavatory break was earlier today” Mr Skirtese said, sitting at his desk,  not looking up from his grading sheet.

There was a trickling sound, everyone turned to look at Teri, there was an uncomfortable silence when we saw the yellow stream of liquid flowing from Terry’s chair onto the floor. I wanted to go to her but the rules state we are to stay in our seats. She stood up, embarrassed and crying, hands covering her face,  her Normandy Rose Jeans dark with the wetness of urine- both front and back. Mr Skirtese  jumped up from his desk, he walked briskly toward Terri. Forcing a loud harsh whisper he said “If you really had to go that bad, you should have just went”.

Everyone was rushed out of class into the hallway.  The janitor came in a few minutes later with his long yellow gloves, a bucket and some sort of sanitizer.

I always regretted not going to Terri….

I also knew that that could have easily been me. I spent all of my previous years (however few) being the good girl, afraid to stand up for myself.

I told myself then and there- ‘I gotta do what I gotta do, if I ever have to go to the bathroom, (I mean REALLY have to go) I am going to do it- regardless of what ANYONE says’.

That is when I slowly started changing from the shy ‘good’ girl, to the still ‘pretty good’ rebellious teen, to the authentic woman I am now…

My opportunity came 5 year later: Read Part 2 Here

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein

I use the example above of how growing up in a school environment can make it extremely hard to be authentic. We often feel pressure to pick a role for ourselves just so we can get through the day.  Sometimes these habits drift into our adult lives, effecting our everyday living long after we have graduated.

Do you go against your gut feelings because you want to please others and later regret it?

Do you have a ‘role’ or ‘persona’ that is not authentic to you?

Continue to part 2

More Resources;

Discover your true purpose, live witout fear and stress

Medicine Woman Core Course

Some names in the story have been changed:)

Sometimes I laugh when I stop and take the time to really have a look around my house. When did I vacuum last? Really, my house is not that bad (it’s livable), but I will tell you this, I will ‘let it go’ as my Grandmother would say, before I would quit writing or quit playing on the ground, in the dirt,  face to face with my kids.

I’ll throw the laundry into the closet unfolded, hide the unopened bills in a drawer that is so full it can’t even be opened, use a push broom to push all the toys into a corner in the playroom, have books laying on every surface when really they should be neatly placed on a bookshelf.

Because what really matters,  is that my kids were cherished, that I nurtured my passion and creativity, that I stopped and took the time to have that conversation with a cherished friend.  No one is going to remember or care what the house looked like 20 years from now. In 20 years, my children will be blossoming into adulthood, and I hope they will have learned more than housecleaning.

My Grandmother loved to write (and did I mention she gave birth to, and raised 10 amazing children, 9 of them girls?), one of the most cherished gifts I have ever received are the hand made books she used to craft for me. Before scrap booking, the internet, or photo-shop, she would carefully pick magazine photos and cut and paste them to hard paper~ creating wonderful stories and poems all about me, her hopes for me, and beautiful things she knew I  liked; butterflies, birds and flowers.

I loved reading my Grandmother’s writings, one stands out in particular, here in an excerpt from one of her poems titled Memories;

“But o, how it would have eased the burden she bare along life’s way,

if I’d told mother how much I love her while it was still today.” ~ 1985

The poem sparked a conversation that led me to find out about one of my families biggest ‘scandals’. My mother explained to me that Grandma had indeed not spoken to her mother for years after, and had always regretted it. I may not have know that if it were not for my Grandma’s writings.

I love that someday my kids will be able to look back at  my journals (both online and off), get a glimpse of how I was living at the time, what my passions and learning experiences were, and see how I interacted with the world. And hopefully, like Grandma’s writings they will spark many spirited conversations around the table.

” Tell us the details…  pay tribute to all the everyday and extraordinary things” ~Natalie Goldberg

I have kept many journals over the years. Unfortunately, I threw all the early ones away. I was worried about being judged if anyone ever found them, and also, there was a lot of painful things in there that had not been addressed, and I wanted it all to be forgotten.

I would give anything to be able to read those journals from my turbulent teen years. Could you imagine the insight I could have gleaned from all of that teenage angst? It is one thing to be able to look back and remember the past (we change the stories over time) but to be able to read my feelings, raw, in the moment- I wish I would have kept them. I would love to go back to that girl in the tight Levi’s jeans, give her a big hug, and tell her not to worry, tell her her butt is perfect and stop worrying about it (that in a few years J low would make her ‘bubble butt’ popular), and reassure her that she was amazing and for God’s sake don’t worry what others think. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to look back on those journals when Ella is a teen, just in case I need to be reminded?

Just when I want to give up writing- shut down the computer, run into the woods and never log on again, I am remided again of all the blessings of sharing, writing it all down.

“Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that’s why we decide we’re done. It’s getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out.” ~ Natalie Goldberg

Yep folks, I going to keep it up! Get used to me, I’ll be here a while.

Writing Resources:

Click here for the Way of Story Writing Course

Last week me and the kids got a touch of the flu. I have went back and forth from thinking “it’s gone, oh yay!” to “it’s back again – oh no!” This one has really lingered! We rarely get sick so this was a real surprise. Besides learning that my body is trying to tell me to slow down, I also learned another valuable lesson this past week.

I lost my voice for a few days. I have no problem being silent during certain situations- alone time, hunting or fishing, in a massage session,  in a classroom, during a ceremony for example . But to have to remain silent when you actually need to use your voice was a real learning experience!

After just a few hours of not being able to speak, one of the first things I noticed was when I am talking, I am not fully aware of other things that are going on around me. I always knew this to some extent, but we get into habits- even patterns of how we talk to certain people, sometimes we don’t have this awareness. Sure conversation is usually a friendly give and take exchange, but not being able to speak (in situations where I would normally do so) made me realize how much I tend to take the lead in conversation. Also, not necessarily words but also sounds- laughing, making funny noises to my babies, these are all sounds I make throughout the day without really being aware of how often I do them!

Just the energy of the tone of your voice for example can really change a dynamic of an interaction.  I am a very naturally talkative person. I tend to use my voice to put others at ease in certain situations. It comes naturally to me so I did not realize how often I did this. I went to the store to get some soup (because I did not feel like making any) and was not able to say anything to the cashier (not even “hi” in an upbeat tone), he treated me completely different than what I am used to! Normally, if I felt a little uncomfortable  I would try to change this energy by saying something nice. I was not able to do this so it was a little odd to just move through the line, pay for my item without saying anything.

The few days I have not been able to talk I have noticed a lot more and have been much more present. I have noticed patterns me and my husband tend to get into. Just how often I take the lead in our relationship (he tends to be the ‘quiet one’ and I am the ‘talkative one’). I have also noticed that since I am not speaking, my husband is speaking more (or am I just noticing it more?)! I have become a lot more creative with my gestures- just trying to get my point across- we have had a few laughs (well, smiles and coughs for me).

I have really been unconscious about how many times I say “no” and “stop” to my 2 1/2 year old daughter and my 11 month old son. I have had to get real creative about how I deal with the taking of toys/ not sharing, climbing on cupboards, and other things that tots do. This has been a real blessing because I did notice that I say the word “no” way too much, or even raise my voice from across the room out of laziness.

The best gift of the whole thing is being able to have even more empathy for my daughter who has a language disorder. What a wonderful gift to be able to get just a little taste of how she feels for a few days. I have felt the occasional frustration, and also have noticed how others act toward me- completely different when you don’t speak up, sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. That whole dynamic of others speaking louder, slower, etc, assuming you have a hard time understanding is very interesting. It is not a good feeling when someone (well intentioned) acts like this- it just solidifies my hope that others will treat my daughter just like everyone else, something I find myself reminding people of when they are talking about her ‘disorder’ or ‘treatment plans’ or ‘lack of words’ in  front of her as if she cannot understand.

Also, just seeing how much I actually NEED my voice. I have had to cancel 2 conference calls- really inconvenient! I have a lot to say dang it!

It is one thing to say “think before you speak” but to actually not have the ability to speak and experience this for myself really solidified this lesson for me, not only that, I saw the impact my voice has on others,  and for that I am grateful! This like many other things is best learned by experience.

Anyway, everyone should try this (if you can) for a few days. It has been a great learning experience for me! I am hoping this cold or flu- whatever it is. Will be gone soon, so I can get back to my old self- talking away (but thinking a little more before I do)!!! LOL! -not really laughing out loud, my throat is too sore- but I am in my mind:)

Anyone else ever loose your voice? Did you learn anything from it? Do you think your voice has an impact on others?

The other day I was sitting in the coffee shop getting ready to do some computer work. I had just started typing when a well dressed man came up to the counter and began talking to the barista. I couldn’t help but overhear “ya, my girlfriend loves to watch those stupid shows like Jerry Springer, when I asked her why she said that it was because she loves to watch these f^%&ed up people because it makes her feel good about herself”.

At first I was annoyed, then I had an epiphany. There are actually people who like to see others not succeed – the lower others are, the better they feel. OK it is not like this was new news to me, I always knew there were people like this out there. The epiphany was I had heard this somewhere before, it was from a friend that I had not talked to since my daughter was born. Although I knew this friend had insecurities, I never thought she would take these out on me. I found out the hard way that no matter how much you want to help someone, they cannot give away what they don’t have.

You see, once I became pregnant with daughter, I decided there was no room for toxic relationships in my life. I decided I was no longer going to waste my time with it. It was not like I made some big announcement to the world, I just began to change. Sure I had a few setbacks, and boy, the people in my life at the time who were not used to this change in me tried to make a ruckus. This particular friend that I mentioned earlier caused nothing but drama and stress in my life when the most exciting, miraculous, amazing thing was happening. I was having a  successful pregnancy following recurring miscarriages. I had never been more happy in my life. I was hurt, frustrated and confused as to why she would try to cause so many problems in my life knowing full well all I had been through. She went so far as to get several other people involved and I ended up uninviting the people involved to my baby shower. I was always there for her, I trusted her, why was she doing this?

I had the  realization that when you begin to change and start respecting yourself, the people who were able to manipulate you in the past begin to notice the shift immediately and take evasive action. They test your boundaries, try to put you down, and manipulate so they can try to get a foot hold again. I will admit that this was a very stressful time, these were people that were fully interwoven into my life at the time- for whatever reason I felt combination of obligation, blame, and even victimized for a while.  Prior to my pregnancy I did not have the knowledge at the time to realize that by going along with the drama I was betraying my own values, it took the love for my daughter to make me come to the this realization. I did not feel deserving enough until the moment I became pregnant, I had came so far to get to this place after just experiencing 2 miscarriages. My daughter’s life was in my hands- yes it took that for me to realize.

” Never be upset when you find yourself in the valleys of life for in there lies all the nutrients for growth.” Barbara Johnson

The separation from these toxic relationships and the rearranging and restructuring of a few others was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I always prided myself in being honest and not betraying others but after I made this new  commitment to myself and my daughter, I realized that I had been betraying myself for a long time. I would never dream of doing this to someone else, yet it was OK for me to treat myself this way. Was I holding true to my values? Was I even sure what my values were?

After this began the process of being true to myself, and realizing I am the best judge of what is right for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I made a commitment that I would establish a code of honor for myself and stick to it. I would continue to learn and grow.

Here are just a few things you can get do to get started if you feel you like your boundaries have been crossed, you’re not trusting yourself,  you are not respecting yourself, or you have toxic relationships in your life.

1. Make a commitment to be true to yourself and your values. This may include writing out a mission statement for yourself, place it somewhere where you can see it daily. Write affirmations to change those beliefs that have been placed on you that no longer serve you. You may even celebrate your new commitment with a ceremony or celebration.

2. Know yourself make time to stop, quiet yourself, and go withing daily. Accept yourself, appreciate your gifts, be compassionate not critical of your shortcomings, pay close attention to what you say and do, and get feedback from someone you can trust.

3. Know your values YOU define those!

4. Tell the truth- even if its uncomfortable or even painful.

5. Be willing to change and grow - deal with what you need to, let go and move forward.

6. Forgive yourself and others – be compassionate, don’t blame yourself or others.

7. Be bold, courageous and express your unique self!- celebrate your wild creativity!

More resources…

Medicine Woman Core Course

Click here for A Year of Guided Meditations

Today I ran across this quote “It is very difficult for your child’s horizons to be greater than your own.”

I came to the realization that when we limit ourselves we tend to try to place those same limits on our children.

I later ran across this article Would you like to stop worrying about what others think?

In it the author talks about limiting beliefs. Of course we do not want to limit our children! But if we limit ourselves we cannot see the unlimited potential in others. How broad is your horizon? Are you living your passion and purpose or are past beliefs holding you back?

Sometimes we go into autopilot mode and shift back to limiting ourselves by beliefs others have placed on us. I can really relate to this. When I was in second grade a teacher that I really admired told me I was ‘slow’ (turns out I have dyslexia). I excelled in reading but always had problems with spelling and math (I would reverse letters and numbers) I carried that with me for a long time and avoided all forms of writing. It wasn’t until I started following my passion that I broke through the barriers I had placed on myself and began writing (it was necessary to graduate from the program I was enrolled in!) I literally had to make myself do it! I have to admit I almost did not enroll in college because I was afraid I would be ‘called out’ or ‘discovered’ that I was dyslexic.

Now writing is a central part of my life. I use it to communicate with students, express myself through this blog, and even as a healing tool. I no longer even think about my dyslexia. In fact the dyslexia has given me a wonderful gift, I believe it has everything to do with why I am creative in other ways- other senses are amplified and I am an extreme right brain thinker. This enables me to be very creative!

The lesson I learned is don’t limit yourself! Even if you think that you may not do extremely well at something, if you feel pulled to do it, go for it! You will find a way! Others will come into help, you may find with practice you will get better, and thank God for spell check!!!!

In the process you may find you will go in a different direction, that is OK too! It is all part of the learning process. But the main thing is don’t completely avoid something out of fear and don’t accept labels that others put on you. Sometimes it may take some convincing (you have that ‘voice’, ‘gremlin’  or ‘ monkey mind’ whatever you may call it) sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it, as you see small goals getting accomplished your confidence will increase. Imagine yourself as what you want to become, I like writing and reading affirmations that I create for myself to solidify my new goal and direction (we use index cards for study tools- why not for goals too!) These are just a few things you can do to overcome those limiting beliefs that you have been placing on yourself. Remember it is only a thought and it can be changed.

Your kids will benefit as well as you pass these lessons on to them!

More resources…

Outlaw’s Counsel

Manifest Mastermind

Click here for Healing Emotional Wounds

Click here for Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Welcome Authentic Mama Deborah! I met Deborah through Authentic Family Living. It is so refreshing to hear personal stories of mamas like Deborah nurturing their creativity alongside their children- and loving life! You can read more about Deborah and her beautiful family at her personal blog The Thought Train.

Deborah’s Bio: I’m 31, married for 10 years with four children – Amber, 6…Caleb, 4…Rebecca & Logan (twins) 21 months. We live in a little town called Sugar Grove in Northwestern Pennsylvania. I homebirthed all my children (twins were a surprise at the birth), co-sleep until they’re ready to move on, cloth diaper, exclusively breastfeed, and am unschooling. My hobbies include handbuilding/sculpting pottery, needlefelting, making corn husk dolls, reading, talking, walking, and just plain having fun with friends and family.

1. What did you learn about yourself (or what has changed you) since you became a mother? Oh, so many things! I have learned that the world has a whole lot more grey than I once thought. I used to think there was one right way to do things, and sought after that one right way for a long time. But my firstborn didn’t fit the mold of what “right” parenting meant. She wanted to be held, constantly, and nursed constantly. I was sleeping with her and “spoiling” her according to some. But I felt this was “right” for us – that if you could go back to Adam and Eve, surely they also slept with their precious child and held him all the time – why wouldn’t they??? A new human being, so dependent and marvelous…why the need to ignore them and put them in a separate space? Why was this considered better parenting?

This, I think, is what brings families closer together, regardless of how you school or sleep or birth, etc. I conscientiously make decisions to be closer to my children, and respect their desires and needs, and also show them how to respect others needs and desires. People being honest about who they are and not having to apologize for it…that is authenticity to me.

Authentic mama Angela Wallace

This is the first post in a series where I will be featuring real authentic mamas! If you are interested in being interviewed contact me at mysacredforest at aol dot com- I would love to hear your insights!

I had the pleasure of having Angela as a student in my Herbalist 101 course. She inspired me and all of the other students on a daily basis. Angela was very active in the forum, taking the time to spread her healing wisdom to all of the students who had questions there. I interviewed Angela today about her passions, mothering, and life lessons~ here is what she had to say.

I want to introduce myself.  My name is Angela. I’m 37 and a single mother of 2 daughters– Bailey (12) and Skyler (14).  I have been divorced from their father for almost 10 years now.  I have my AAS degree in Electrical Engineering Technology and have worked in the electronics industry for 18 years, 14 as an electronics technician.  For the past 3 years I have been a trainer, teaching people how to build electronics. In my current position , I work for a non-profit company that employs people with varying degree of disability. I help them to learn ways to do their jobs to the best of their individual abilities.

I also have a very small business making herbal and all natural bath and body products– Wicked Witch of Windsor Botanicals.   I am a practicing Solitary Wiccan, and have been for about 7 years now. I am very active with my children– both being straight A students, in band and chorus, and on sports teams.  I am the secretary of the PTA at their school, and have been for 3 years now. It all keeps me extremely busy, but very fulfilled in the end.

1. What did you learn about yourself (or what has changed you) since you became a mother?

My biggest realization as a mother is selflessness.  I was ( and still can be) a very stubborn young woman.  I felt that there was one way to do things, and that was the ONLY way to do them. Everything in my life had to be planned to a tee– I had back up plans for back up plans.  Children threw that philosophy RIGHT out the window. Structure is good, but being too rigid is just way too stressful for everyone involved.

2. What words of wisdom would you like to share about mothering?

Enjoy being a mother.  Play with your kids, let them sleep in your bed just because, sit and watch that silly movie that you can’t stand–just to watch them laugh!  All too soon that is gone.  Take an active role in their lives.  When my girls have friends over, they expect me to sing to American Idol with them, or have the food fight, or just  laugh with them.  But– let them live their OWN life, and make their own mistakes, too.  That’s a hard one for me as my girls are becoming young adults. Bailey is 12 and just hitting puberty– fighting growing up all the way. With her, I have to push her to grow up and take on some bigger responsibilities, find her new self. Skyler on the other hand is 14 going on 21. I have to remind her to slow down and just be a kid some days. I want to impart all my experiences and wisdoms, but every time I hear “You are just too………”, I remember how I felt at that age, and remember that they have to find their own way– with a little discipline, a bit more guidance, and a LOT of patience.

3. How do you channel your creativity (what is your creative outlet/ medium/ special gift)?

I love to create anything, but baking and conjuring my lotions and soaps is where I put my energies.  I also am a professional friend   People come to me and ask me for advice– both personal and even herbal now.  For example, my boss had a reaction to some chemicals the other day and I the next thing I know he comes to me “Hey, Angela, where’s that Witch’s brew?”

4. How do you harmonize motherhood and creativity?

Sometimes that is a tough one.  I’ve taught my daughters my “craft” and they love to help when they can.  It’s gotten so when it comes time for them to go to a birthday party, or to give gifts for any reason, we all brainstorm and try to come up with some unique product to give away– or they will “shop” my lotion closet.  Sometimes our creativity is channeled differently– we have “movie night” where we do nothing but watch movies and eat popcorn, or “music night” when we just get silly and sing and dance around the house.

5. Do you have a recent experience or challenge that has changed you (please explain how/why)?

A few, but the main one was the loss of my fiance’ unexpectedly just over a year ago.  He suffered massive heart failure in our home.  His daughters are 20 and 23, and see me as their step mother, my daughters knew him as a step father.  It was a struggle because the company we worked for was in the process of going under, I was not working, and his daughters had only moved into their own apartment the month before. Life as I had known it had ended for me.  I really had to evaluate where I was and what I wanted out of life.  I was now a widow, not just a single mom.  I now had 2 grown daughters who knew no more about taking care of themselves then my young teens did, and 2 young teens that needed their mom to guide the through their grief, and life– and I was on unemployment to boot.

I found an inner strength that I always have had, but really had to pull hard from through it all.  Instead of seeing this as a blow to me and just another reason for despair, I used it to make a brand new start.  I started a new , more rewarding job in a career field I love. I certainly do not take the little things for granted anymore.  I find myself not stressing as much.  I still argue with my girls, of course– they ARE teenagers, but I choose my battles more carefully.  I make it a point to hug them good bye every morning, and tuck them in every night– and yes, they actually won’t go to sleep unless I do, even at 12 and 14! As for my “step” daughters– they have their own challenges, but are blossoming into beautiful, self sufficient young women.  The 20 year old is now a recovering drug and alcohol addict.  She struggles daily with it, but she is clean, and she is hopeful for the first time since she was 16 years old.

6. What would you like to say to mothers going through similar challenges?

The one thing that gets me through the tough times is remembering that we do what we have to to survive.  My favorite saying is “The negative in our lives only sets us up to appreciate the positive around that next corner”.  Sometimes I think to myself  ” this has been long wall, must be a GREAT corner!”. I have to remind myself sometimes that there is always that corner.

7. What inspires you, centers you, fulfills you- what is your passion?

My passion is first and foremost being the best mom I can be.  After that, it’s helping people, and making those that I care about feel loved.  When I see a smile on their faces, it makes my day. When I can make a stranger smile just because, that’s another day brightener.

8. How do you nurture yourself?

Unfortunately, I don’t do this as often as I should.  Sometimes it’s as simple as putting aside a half hour to read a book, or take a bath. This week, it’s asking my parents to take my daughters while they are on school break so I can have some quiet time to myself.  I LOVE live music, so I try very hard to get out to see a local band every few weeks. Just let my hair down, dance, sing, and escape from responsibility for a couple of hours.  In the summer time, I may mow the lawn or walk in the woods.  Often my nurturing time is taken in small 10-15 minute increments, but I’ve finally realized that they are necessary for my own sanity.

9. What does being authentic mean to you?

Authentic to me– being true to yourself.

Society tells us we should feel this way, or do it that way.  We are each individuals and we know what’s right for us, what works for us.  Some authentic mamas feel that home schooling and a vegan lifestyle is what is true to them, others may feel a complete green lifestyle works for them. And even others may feel that the convenience society allows us is what works.  I just feel that it’s up to me as a mother to decide what works for my family– and staying true to that makes me Authentic. I choose to stay close to nature, to try a wholistic approach to life in general. I’m not perfect at it, and I’m still learning, but at the end of the day I can look myself in the mirror and know that I made decisions that I believe benefited me and my family.

10. Do you have any final thoughts or advice you would like to share with other mothers about how they can practice being authentic and nurture their passions in life?

LIVE your life. Don’t be afraid to try something new or go out on a limb once in a while. But– do so within your means and abilities. What I mean is, if you are on a shoestring budget, don’t go spend money you don’t have to start a new hobby and end up giving yourself MORE stress. If you know you are afraid of heights, I wouldn’t suggest you make your new passion hang gliding. But– if you want to start wildcrafting herbs– get a book or two off amazon, or just research online — and go for it. If you want to try that compost pile in the back yard– give it a try.  What have you got to lose?– probably a lot less than you have to gain from the spiritual boost you find from doing something Authentic to you !